[COUNTDOWN TO 6 A.M.]

Presenter: "Welcome to Radio 4 and The Today Programme, it's six in the morning. Congratulations if you're one of the few listeners that starts listening to this programme this early, and you might even be one of the very few listeners that seeks this programme out on the iPlayer and listens diligently from the six A.M. mark, in which case I think you are due a double congratulations from all of us and the team here at the Today Programme."

"We have to go to bed at eight o'clock the previous evening, our life is very hard, despite some of the stories that we feature that talk about how hard life is these days for all of us and it is very, very hard, it isn't actually harder for any other UK citizen, than it is for a member of the Today Programme team. We get up at three o'clock in the morning, we take taxi's with BBC expenses and we all pile ourselves into the studios at just after five o'clock where we begin to prep this programme. Isn't that amazing?"

"Well one of those darn, cotton-picking stories is coming in right now, we better get on with it, that's why we're here, that's why you're here, and it concerns something that I know that you as a loyal listener to the Today Programme will absolutely hate, as do all of us. It is the Sun newspaper and thankfully in just one town of this sceptered isle of Great Britain the newspaper is about to be... banned. Here's the story."

[NEWS ARTICLE #1 - SUN NEWSPAPER BANNED]

Presenter: "In the highly posh town of Royal Wootton Basset an ordinance has been passed by council officials that bans outdoor reading and public reading of the tabloid newspaper 'The Sun'. It is believed that it will lower the tone of the area and could even have a negative effect on property prices if a prospective yupee was to be seen coming through the streets looking at people reading the controversial newspaper that is usually associated with lower classes and people of a worse ilk, the town mayor has said."

"Any fans of 'The Sun' newspaper that do exist within the town will now be forced to read the paper inside and only in private. A small, but dedicated group of people who are fans of the paper have said that they will be opposing the new ordinance. They will defiantly buy 'The Sun' from a newsagent based outside of town and will read it in a mass protest, of course mass actually just means four people, to be held in the town square of Royal Wootton Basset, to a disinterested crowd of maybe twenty people."

[END OF NEWS ARTICLE #1]

Presenter: "It is no minutes past six, welcome to the Today Programme on Friday."

"Unfortunately I'm not sure what we're going to do with the next three hours, because nothing has happened whatsoever in the news. Everything is exactly the same as it was yesterday. Hence there is no news, there is nothing to report on and there is, most importantly, no further developments. So unless some news is created within the scope of the programme whilst we are on air today, then unfortunately, I'm going to have to sit here like a laying duck and you might, at your end listening to Radio 4, on whatever you listen to Radio 4 on, you'll probably have to listen to dead air.

"In fact I recommend that you tune over to one of the BBC's rival radio stations. Radio 2 has got some light popular music on, whilst we usually do hardcore current affairs. Radio 1 is usually about something silly, our types here would never listen to Radio 1 so we don't know what the hell Radio 1 is all about, we just know that it exists at all. Or you could go over to Radio 3 and listen to some classical music. Alternatively you could even be shocking and listen to commercial radio and adverts about double glazing salesmen and products that you're never going to buy and that's why commercial radio is in such a sad state.

"I got nothing, nothing, nothing. No news whatsoever, erm... nothing for it, we're just going to have to make something up"

Presenter: You're listening to the Today Programme on Radio 4, it's just coming up to six minutes past six which is still six minutes later than when we started, but it is still considered by most people in the country to be ridiculously early, or so clocks tell us.

[MINI NEWS ARTICLE - NATIONAL SENSIBLE TIME CONSORTIUM]

Presenter: "A survey has been commissioned by the National Sensible Time Consortium and it has revealed to us at Radio 4 that our programme, the Today Programme, which is the programme that you'r listening to, today, if you're up, with us, early, at just after six o'clock, is on far too early for the vast majority of citizens in our United Kingdom. Are you one of those citizens? Are you concerned that you are being made to listen to radio incredibly early in the morning. But it's probably not because you're being made to listen to radio early in the morning, but rather that your job, or lifestyle, as has also been revealed by the Sensible Time Consortium, has made it so that you have to tune into these programmes incredibly early because if you don't get this and a strong coffee to get you going in the morning, you'll just be dead on your feet, and you wouldn't be much good to society like that, now, would you? (Laughing)."

[END OF MINI NEWS ARTICLE]

Presenter: "Well some of us out there want to drop out of society, and they make interesting stories even for this programme."

[-]

Presenter: "A man in West Bromwich has revealed to his local paper that he is making a stand against clothes. Having wornclothes all of his life he says that he is now bored and disillusioned with the concept of clothing and to avoid having to buy new clothes in future, he will simply stop wearing them at all. You might think that that story was unusual, but in fact that man is far from alone. Over in the East Midlands, in Nottingham, a man has adopted the same approach to food, which he also finds boring and disillusioning. As a result he has said that from the first of June, he is going to simply avoid eating all foods altogether. The Nottinghamshire man, Mark Grievance, who is behind the Anti-Foods Alliance has told the world, in the form of a press conference, that he thinks he can survive, by eating nothing but water, which as many of you know, is not considered by most people to be food at all. As a result he will avoid food, but not avoid death.

"And we wouldn't call ourselves the Today Programme if we wouldn't allow you any feedback on the news items that we feature. And on this issue of the early starts we've had an opinion from West Yorkshire. 'Why not start at five A.M., or even four A.M., or even three A.M. or even two A.M., where's it going to end? If the Today Programme gets any earlier I'll be listening to it before I go to bed', which is a very good point because the DWP says that many benefit claimants stay up through the night and as a result the Today Programme isn't night time listening. Well it is, that's the point.

"And the time is just coming up to ... Actually I've just lost my display, my Windows XP display has just crashed, the only numbers I can see on the screen is a random error message. And so I will just bring you the next news item as soon as I have pressed the reset button and been forced to wait ten minutes for the PC to boot up. What with all the bloatware and things I've been installing on it, which I've been given a discipline about by the BBC Radio 4 Today Programme controller. I apologise for this wait, even though this is the BBC it is in fact a PC from over ten years ago that we're being forced to use. Just waiting, there's the start-up screen now. It's stuck on the hour glass. I haven't got enough imagination to think of anything else to talk about without my auto-cue.

[FRUSTRATED NOISES IN THE BACKGROUND]

Presenter: In fact for the first time ever in the Today Programme history, let's put on some music. What music? Radio 4 hasn't got any, the only music programme on Radio 4 is Desert Island Discs, as a result I will be playing a piece from last week's Desert Island Discs, which is a classical piece by someone I think is called Mozart, yeah I've heard of them. Let's put on Symphony #40 while I wait for this PC to bring you back your cherished morning news.

[MOZART'S SYMPHONY #40 PLAYS]

Presenter: "I think that's just about enough of that, this is the Today Programme and we're back in business baby, as we have sorted out the PC by junking it and installing a new one instantly, it's got Windows 8 pre-installed, which literally means that this computer makes us the dog's bollocks. That music was absolutely lovely, it's a shame to have to go back to news as that can be so depressing in the morning. Sometimes you wish the world would just shut up and listen to some music, well it did, for about three minutes on today's programme, so you should be grateful for that. Anyway..."

[NEWS ARTICLE #2 - BICYCLE CONVERTED INTO CAR]

Presenter: "A bicycle repairman in Norwich was disappointed to be told by police officers he passed on the street that his modified vehicle could be considered the equivelant of a car, he should purchase motor insurance and also display a car tax badge, even though he had built no windows onto his contraption. Mr Ian Sloaham had modified a 1960s bicycle in his workshop and fitted the old parts of a shed onto the front of it, and attached a motor from an old Puegeot 101, itself from the 1960s. The modified bicycle was then capable of reaching speeds of up to 41 M.P.H."

"Mr Ian Sloaham was given six points on his licence, told to take the bicycle apart and then in a fit of irony had to use the bicycle that he had dismantled to get himself to work, rather than his custom car. Mr Ian Sloaham's barrister told The Today Programme that when he began work on the contraption he didn't conceive it as a car but when he realised that through the fruit of his labours he had inadvertantly created a car he was absolutely delighted as he could never afford a real car and continued to use it like a bicycle hoping to avoid the car regulation rules."

[END OF NEWS ARTICLE #2]

Presenter: "Unfortunately, as with most stories on the Today Programme, you know the rest, after we have told you, we don't like to big ourselves up, but you wouldn't know anything about the news in the morning if it wasn't for the Today Programme. Every other news programme just skims over the surface of the news whilst we actually open it up like a parcel and delve into it. And you think it's merely a matter of reporting the news, well you can think again, for some items we have made the news, on a slow news day when nothing is happening our reporters have been told to go out of the studio with their field recorders and make something happen. Those were the editors words, not mine. But they are my words because I'm telling you now in the form of a news story on air."

"In real life did you know that I talk like this even when I get home. This is my normal way of talking, it's not the newsy way of talking. For example when I get in and I speak to my wife, I say to my wife: 'Can I have a cup of tea?', and 'What is for dinner?' and 'What time can we watch Coronation Street?'. She will usually reply back to me: 'Why are you talking like that again? You never did that when we were courting, if I had known that this is how our marriage was going to turn out I would have never married you, let alone' ... Well I can't repeat that bit because this is before the watershed on Radio 4, very early in the morning."

"It's the Today Programme and it's just coming up to thirty-one minutes past six, as I need to go to the toilet I'm going to put on a pre-recorded news segment, a pre-packaged piece about the war that's happening somewhere in the world. We'll just choose a random war and put that item on. Today we'll report the war on, and I'm just going to put on my random simulator [RANDOM SIMULATOR BEEPING], the random very national lottery-like machine, it's a bit like Camelot has chosen! We'll cover the war on Syria today, tomorrow it might be Iran."

"Is there enough toilet paper? That's a crisis that's affecting every toilet. As I wander in wondering whether I'll be able to go or whether I will have to...."

[DRIPPING SOUNDS IN BACKGROUND] Presenter: [ECHOING] "Come on I need to go. Why are you making me feel like I need to piss but I can't get anything out, now come on. This isn't a joke. Come on, come on, there's no one standing next to me, there's no reason to be nervous. Ah. There it is. It's like a leaky old tap. Always unreliable but eventually you get something out of it."

[SOUND OF TOILET FLUSHING]

Presenter: "Oh so sorry about that, deep apologies, I know that there's going to be a Hutton inquiry about why I took a microphone in with me to the bathroom instead of playing something out on Radio 4. The regularity of which I am forced by my body to pass urine does not constitute as news and as such I offer deep apologies, and now that I'm back on my comfy seat we can get back to the business of entertaining you with as much serious news as is possible given the three hours that we have each day to do so. The time is now 6:15 and not even monks are up at a time as early as this. Okay just looking for the news. In lieu of any real news I've got a copy of the Manchester Evening News from yesterday evening, it has now made it into the programme. This particular item, it's quite fascinating. Well have you got clutter around the house that you just want to get rid of? Many of us are hoarders so you've got to feel sorry for the police in Greater Manchester who have built up a hugely desirable collection of articles that they've stolen from criminals and things found on the street."

[NEWS ARTICLE #3 - GREATER MANCHESTER POLICE CAR BOOT SALE]

Presenter: "Greater Manchester Police have unveiled a controversial policy to rid themselves of the years and years of collected offensive articles which have been stored in lost property and have been confiscated from the area's criminals. They include offensive weaponry such as knives, guns, illegal drugs with a street value of over £1,000,000 including heroin and cannabis and tic tacs. All these items and more have now completely filled up each police station in the Greater Manchester area and the chief constable has decided to hold a car boot sale at the back of the Hangover and Spit pub in Stockport on Sunday morning. It is feared that many criminals will be able to buy their items back but as the car boot sale is being held so early in the morning the chief constable has dismissed the notion saying that the general public will get to peruse the items first, they are harmless and unlikely to do anything illegal or offensive with the items and criminals just don't get up that early as they are not productive and decent members of society."

[END OF NEWS ARTICLE #3]

Presenter: "So what's your views on this? Send an email, text, Facebook, Twitter or even website about it now. It's the Today Programme, the time is just coming up to a quarter to.. a quarter to eight. And so with all this talk of police I think it's time to up the ante a bit, there's nothing more thrilling in the world of crime than the tale of a bank robbery, and lucky residents in Kent got such a tale only yesterday. All the details that were previously unavailable have been made fully available because of the court, and they are enough to salivate over."

[NEWS ARTICLE #4 - RAMSGATE BANK ROBBERY]

Presenter: "A Ramsgate man robbed a bank two days before Christmas. He got away with the sum of one hundred million, million, million, million, million, million pounds. Bill Reid armed himself with a can of Coca Cola and held up a security guard who was delivering cash and Coke cans to a Nat West bank in the town but when he discovered that he had no cash he picked up a can of Coke, marched the guard into the bank and threatened to pour the drink all over him unless he was given money. But Canterbury Crown Court heard that after snatching thousands of pounds in the bizarre heist he ran into a nearby pet shop and used a stolen £500 to purchase a monkey until police overpowered him. Now Reid, of Presedge Avenue, has been jailed for an uncountable amount of years after admitting robbery, attempting robbery and having a can of Coca Cola with criminal intent."

"Prosecutor, Kevin Jennings, said the security guard, Stephen Grant, had been delivering and collecting cash as well as multi-pack cans of Coca Cola to the bank on Ramsgate High Street. 'He had been in and out of the bank several times' he said, with his locked armoured box containing cash and Coke, he was then returning to the bank to collect cash and the box he was carrying was empty. It was then that Reid began shouting at him 'Open the box, open the box, if you don't you will be all wet and sticky from this can of Coca Cola, I am not joking.' Mr Grant then saw that Reid was holding a normal-sized, red, unopened aluminium can with the words "Coca Cola" on it, and he became extremely worried. The court heard that the armed can-man then began swearing and demanding that the box be opened, pointing his can at the guard. Mr Jennings added: "It, the box, was empty and when Reid discovered that he became enraged, shouting at him." He then forced the guard inside the bank and shouted at the cashiers: "Give me some f**king money or I will spray him with Coca Cola." The prosecutor said that the terrified staff then handed over more than 58 billion, million, billion pounds and Reid, in his haste, spilled other cash as he ran away."

"Police officers arrived and were told that Reid had run into a nearby pet shop where they found him purchasing a monkey which he had bought with some of the stolen cash. As they approached him he was seen to bend over to the side of him. Although they didn't know where the can was, they suspected that it might be there and they overpowered him. The can was later found in his coat pocket, they said. He said that the weapon was a basic aluminium can which had been violently shaken to the point where it could have taken out over half of Kent. "We are lucky..." the police officer said, "that the situation didn't end up like that." Reid, who has previous convictions for robbery including one at a post office, this incident involved a can of Pepsi.

The court heard, by Richard Skinner, his defending barrister "Reid says that this was a case of stupidity, desperation and series of wrong choices. They're what brought him to court, he is a 48 year old with mobility problems. He was out of trouble for 14 years before these offences. He had been spending his time simply as a heroin user, taking drugs which weren't against the law. But then he started to commit the robberies, whilst he was committing a robbery he met a woman he was robbing who become the love of his life. She helped him kick his drugs habit, he became a productive member of the community, and then he had a business as an odd job man. Things went well and in December he wanted to thank his partner and he proposed marriage."

He said that Reid had saved £5,000,000 and then borrowed another £5,000,000 from loan sharks including Wonga.com, which he failed to pay back at an extortinate rate of 4,200% interest. He fell behind in his repayments when he developed an illness which led him to lose a third of his bodyweight. He's now gaunt, withered and a shadow of his former self. Those from who he had borrowed came round to his half bedroom flat, a Wonga agent killed his pet dinosaur in the style of the Wonga adverts, knocked his door down and caused him other serious problems, such as making a slight mark on the wall when he entered, that in turn caused him to steal some Dulux paint in addition to his other offences when he wanted to repair the wall. He didn't know who to turn to and so he made the wrong choice to rob the bank."

[END OF ARTICLE #4] Presenter: "The time is a quarter past eight, it's the Today Programme and most people who are serious about contributing to the flailing economy in the UK have already gotten themselves out of bed, if that isn't you you are in fact a disgrace, that is according to a survey carried out by me. And now it's time for some weather, luckily there is always some of that everyday so it's the one thing even though there sometimes is absolutely no news whatsoever, that will always be featured in every single edition of the Today Programme. There hasn't been much weather though."

[WEATHER REPORT - OUTSIDE BROADCASTING HOUSE, SOUNDS OF TRAFFIC, PEOPLE TALKING AND SIRENS]

Presenter: "Yes, I'm outside erm... broadcasting house, erm... the only real weather here is the traffic, it hasn't been too exciting, there's no rain forecast for today, in most parts of the United Kingdom it will be slightly sunny but with a bit of cloud and that is what we're seeing in most parts, there's no real disasters coming for example, there aren't any gale force winds. There's not going to be any snow because it's now April, things might be boring in the UK which is why it's such a good country to live in but we have just had word from the Met Office that a severe weather warning is expected in Antarctica - extreme gale force winds, a bitingly low temperature and even a snow storm is to be expected near the McMurdo Research Station, of which there is a population of 6 people, and so, although they're out of range of Radio 4, about the only part of the world that can't get it whatsoever because there's no Internet connections, we're gonna tell them through this programme to be bloody careful!"

[END OF WEATHER REPORT]

Presenter: "Right, OK, I think you're going to need a strong cup of coffee after listening to that story. It really had alot of details in it. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna pause the programme, give you enough time to get up off your feet, get to the kettle and sort out the various caffinated arrangements that you need to make, and if you're in bed you'll need the time to slip on at least a dressing gown and not trip yourself up as you fall down the stairs, there's some terrible statistics about that, so do be careful. And, erm, I'll just be raising my voice in the background, because as you walk away from the radio you won't be able to hear me as much, just to give you a little reminder that the Today Programme has in fact remained on air and is gonna be ready and waiting for you when you get back. I'm still here, OK I'm gonna give you about a minute to do this. I'm going to talk in a raised voice, I'm going to hold off on the next story though of course."

"You're probably down by the kitchen by now and if you haven't got a seperate radio in there, well if you haven't got a seperate radio in there then you're not much of a Radio 4 follower, because 70% of Radio 4 listeners have a kitchen radio and 90% of them use it exclusively to listen to Radio 4 on. Right, so the kettle must be on by now, I bet you haven't been able to find any cups, the vast majority of us, and that's yet another survey, are exceptionally lazy and we try to use the same cups for at least a week, so you're scrabbling around saying "Oh no, there's some cups, there's some in the dishwasher! Oh no I haven't actually put the dishwasher on, I've got no cups! Let's give it a quick swill." Well I've got news for you, giving cups a quick swill in the dishwasher isn't enough, because, and here's another, yet another statistic 80% of the bacteria will remain on the cup if you just swill it in the tap. So you might as well take it in the toilet and piss in it, it's about the same difference. You might as well just put the coffee into the same old cup and just save yourself alot of time."

"I'll tell you a little story, right here in the offices of the Today Programme, here at the grand old Radio 4, our boss, our programme controller got absolutely sick of it in the end, he said: "You've been going through so many cups, you never wash them, you're actually too bothered by the news! And we're not going to emply some minimum wage skivvy just to go after all your cups." So what did he do in the end? I'll tell you what he did. He visited the nearest IKEA to Central London, which for advertising reasons we can't name, but it is an IKEA, and he bought 1,000 cups. And now, we get a full month before we need to wash a single one of them. That is brilliant, we've even got this super huge cupboard filled with a 1,000 cups. All emblazoned with the Radio 4 Today Programme logo on it. You'll have never seen the Today Programme logo because it's state secret and has never been revealed outside of broadcasting house. As a result these cups must not leave the radio studio, on pain of death, well not death but something bad like being sacked from the Today Programme, I would imagine. Anyway unless you've got a kettle that is particularly crap you will have finally been able to fill up your cup and I don't want you to take time stirring it, because if you're a listener to this programme you haven't got time, because you're in the rat race, you just need to get on with it, just shove it all in, instant coffee, don't even stir it and get back upstairs or wherever you're listening to this on and we can get back on with the Today Programme. Hoo-rah!"

"Our next item this morning will be concerning the vast majority of us that live in the big city or a town, that's over 70% of the British population and rising. Well, the Royal Mail brought post codes in and simplified living in these vast metropolises. Yet the place names remain even though they are confusing and highly numerous. Sometimes it can be hard to remember all the suburbs of a big town like London. Walthamstow, Croydon, Epping Forest, Notting Hill, Luton. What does it all mean? The postcode system is far easier, but the government is planning to take this simplification even further by erradicating actual place names and replacing them wholesale with numbers instead. An intriguing idea, and we investigate."

[NEWS ARTICLE #5 - LONDON SUBURBS TO BE REPLACED WITH NUMBERS]

Presenter: "An unusual proposal today from Westminster Council which proposes that each part of London be renamed and replaced simply with a number. The Place Preservation Society said that they have lost all hope of individual towns and suburbs within London having their own identity because the city has now become so humongous, and so as a result it would be more sensible all round to abolish all councils in London and all individual town and suburb names and replace them with simply numbers, possibly using the existing postcode system. The coalition government have listened to this proposal, a private members bill has been successful now reaching the House of Lords stage and so it's likely that names like Tottenham, Lewisham, Croydon and Wembley will all be relics of the past as we now refer to our localities simply by the London postcodes."

[END OF ARTICLE #5]

Presenter: "It's the Today Programme it's now coming up to six minutes past seven, and if you're sensible, or if you don't actually have to get up by choice you're most likely still sound asleep, it's the Today Programme. And now it's that favourite slot in the morning, now it's time to get your bibles out which should be quite easy to do if you've stayed in a Travelodge and are now waking up to us there. You usually discover it when you're looking for the light in the bedside cabinet. It's time for Thought For The Day with Thomas Christian. I think he's a reverend, I wasn't sure whether to put that at the beginning or not."

[THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - REVEREND THOMAS CHRISTIAN]

Reverend Thomas Christian: "Hello and welcome you heavens to Thought For The Day. I'm religious. I reside in the beautiful parish of Thetford in Norfolk, in my converted one bedroom flat, I have lovingly converted the back room into a makeshift church, and I've installed an echo chamber for the authentic effect, it really is most delightful, but enough about me and my life, free of sin. I would like to embark to you some heavenly advice, advice pertaining to the ten commandments. I found on a recent study of the bible, which took me three weeks and three nights, that there is no need whatsoever for any of them, at all. Since it can be established through the passages in the bible, that through the ten commandments, every single activity known on this holy Earth is banned. Forbidden, even."

"We can take the parchment so lovingly prescribed by mercists that the very word of God, in all that relates to the ten commandments, and simply scrap them. For there is but one, just one single solitary commandment, and it is simple thus, it reads: 'Thou shalt not'. So whatever it is that you're thinking of doing, think whether it is in the bible, containing within the scriptures. Whether it be football, going to the cinema, rollerskating, going on the Internet, looking at your neighbour's face, stealing a five billion dollar fortune or going to the moon, the chances are our Lord up there will have somewhat of a downer on it. And so, for your own good as a devouted Christian 'Thou shalt not'. It is no longer a moral code with more pages than the catalogue, it is simply enough for even you lot to understand. So the next time you want to do something 'Thou shalt not' even think about doing it. I have spoken my piece and now therefore I, myself, am at peace, and therefore I believe that you listeners to the Holy and reverent Radio 4 are also at yours. And so I will leave you now, leave you to your solitude and to your blessings, with only one more further thing to part from my mouth, and so that's my thought for the day. Oh my God I hoped they liked it!"

[END OF THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - BACK TO MAIN PRESENTER]

Presenter: "It's not for news readers to give a personal opinion, but in this case I do personally believe, and therefore I want you to believe listening, that Reverend Thomas Christian as I've been now informed, is absolutely correct, is absolutely and unequivercally, apologies there are some words that even Today Programme presenters can't pronounce, unequivocally right in all that he says. In fact there are plans for the Today Programme to become increasingly based on just our own opinions and the opinions that we want you to form, rather than be an impartial news service. The reason for this is that we were getting complaints that it was far too boring and that we should become a bit more like the tabloids to appeal to more listeners, and that is to form entertaining opinions that are not necessarily correct but are sensational enough to get people to keep listening and therefore believing in what we are saying."

"Well as being agents of traditional media here at the Today Programme, we have one opinion that we would like to share with you, indeed, and that is computers are evil. Old ways of doing things and the traditional ways of learning are usually best and so it is with great skepticism that we present the next story which involves the erradication of traditional training for pilots as they are all asked to use nothing but a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator before being given the responsibility to take thousands of people up into the stratosphere, I think that's how high planes fly, I haven't researched this at all, I think it's the stratosphere up there isn't it? Above our heads, in short, before being given the power of life and death over thousands and thousands of travellers' lives, all that will stand between them and the pilots experience is four short hours on Microsoft Flight Simulator. Oh wait, that's actually twenty hours, but let's face it, that's not a whole lot better, is it?

[NEWS ARTICLE #6 - FLIGHT SIMULATOR PILOT TRAINING]

Presenter: "The U.S. Aviation Authority, the FAA, is considering legalizing the use of Microsoft Flight Simulator as the only training aid to respective new pilots. That is in the wake of a slumpy economy and airliners say they can no longer afford to train pilots in the more traditional and specialized manner. Prospective pilots will be given a free copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator, a laptop with an ATI graphics card and just twenty hours to complete their training and then they will be allowed to fly a Boeing 747 on many commercial flight routes across the United States, Europe and Asia. The FAA say that the new controversial training model will cause less accidents because the pilots will have less time to complete their training, which means they will have to learn faster. The previous training, not using Microsoft Flight Simulator in all but the first few hours used to take over 240 hours to complete and the accident rate among pilots was sky high because when a new accident occured, the airliners say that's where it occured, in the sky. Passenger pressure groups including AirFare have thoroughly denounced the new proposals to train pilots in this manner, saying that they will boycott all planes in the future if this proposal takes place and will only fly planes that stick to the ground, such as the new high speed train service from New York to Chicago, run by Air America. It is a train that resembles a plane inside.

[END OF NEWS ARTICLE #6]

Presenter: "This is the Today Programme, the time is coming up to ten minutes to nine and yet even now, even monks are not up this early still. Uh, just excuse me a moment. [PRESENTER YAWNS] That's better, it's the Today Programme, it's now 8:52.

[NEWS ARTICLE #7 - LORRY DRIVER CAUGHT WITH CHOCOLATE]

Presenter: "A lorry driver, Richard Langford has been jailed for trying to import 50,000 chocolate bars through the port of Dover, he has been jailed for smuggling the bars, Richard Langford, 31, was caught with a staggering 5,000 kilograms of Dairy Milk, 1,000 kilograms of Galaxy bars and 3,000 U.S. Hershey's chocolate bars when he was stopped at Dover's Eastern docks on August the 2nd last year. When the UK Border Agency officers searched his lorry and trailer they found the chocolate bars and they were very shocked. When totted up later the Dairy Milk was valued as having a potential street value of 2.1 million pounds, the Galaxy bars were worth 1.7 million pounds and the Hershey's bars were worth £71,000. Langford of Melbourne Avenue in Chelmsford denied the smuggling offences but was jailed for 500,000 years at Maidstone Crown Court today. Malcolm Brad from the UK Border Force said: "This was a sophisticated operation and it shows the lengths that criminals will go to in attempting to evade the UK's border controls when it comes to chocolate. The sentence handed down today should act as a warning to those who attempt to smuggle chocolate into this country. Illegal chocolate use destroys not only the weight and figure of individual users but also their families and the wider community."

[END OF NEWS ARTICLE #7]

Presenter: "The time now is 8:53, which of course in anybody's language is still too bloody early, even for us! And next is a story taken from today's Daily Mail which I was reading earlier and decided that I would just include in the programme at random."

[NEWS ARTICLE #8 - PLYMOUTH TEENAGER REWARDED BY JUDGE FOR ASSAULT]

Presenter: "A teenager who hit a person in the face has been told by a judge that he should be thoroughly proud of his actions. Liam Wishler, aged 18 of Dingle Road, North Prospect appeared before Plymouth Crown Court to be rewarded for an incident in Union Street at around 6:30 A.M. on September the 30th last year. Wishler claimed that he could remember the whole incident, he said he had been out drinking when he confronted a number of Fijian men outside a bar. The court heard that he began to make a number of racially motivated comments before taking a swing at one of the men, however he missed his target, instead striking a young woman in the face causing her injuries which needed hospital treatment. Having been presented with CCTV footage showing that it was him that threw the punch, Wishler pleaded guilty. His defence barrister, in mitigation, said his client was "genuinely proud", "thrilled" and even "truly happy" at what he did, and had written a letter to the victim, basically telling the victim she shouldn't have been in the way of his fist in the way that she was, and he hoped that she would learn from this to be more careful around violent people such as himself in the future.

"As a result the young man had drunk even more alcohol since the incident took place and he told the judge that he was hoping to take up drugs, a movement that has been widely praised and encouraged by the courts and local police in the Plymouth area. The judge, Recorder Alistar Travaskis told Wishler his behaviour was "excellent" and a "complete reflection of how other people should be behaving." His violent behaviour had resulted in a bystander in the way being hurt. But the judge was highly uncritical of Wishler's actions, he said the incident had left him "teetering on the edge of receiving a gold trophy" before rewarding him with a two week all expenses paid holiday to Italy, he even got £100 and a new car on top of that. He received an extra £100 in addition to that as well for a racially aggravated public order offence, and the victim was ordered to pay £500 to Wishler because her face was in the way of his fist when the incident took place."

[END OF NEWS ARTICLE #8]

Presenter: "The time is now 8:41 and now we've got the sport. England have lost and lost and lost and lost...."

[NEWS ARTICLE #9 - TONBRIDGE DECORATING MISHAP]

Presenter: "A 26 year old man from Tonbridge in Kent has been "scarred for life" after two decorators turned up at his home in Kent to decorate his living room, mistakenly putting up the wrong wallpaper. The man, who lives in Whitelake Road in Tonbridge, who, because BBC Radio 4 is subject to a court order, cannot name the man, but it does begin with 'J' and he has a surname that begins with 'K' has contemplated suicide because he is now having to look at the wallpaper everyday and it has shaken him to the core. On the 10th of June around 12:30 P.M. two privately hired decorators turned up at his Tonbridge house to redecorate the living room. He was not in the living room when the new wallpaper was being put up and he hadn't discovered the fatal mistake until they had left his property.

"The victim said: "I hired two decorators to come into my house and put new wallpaper up in my living room. I specifically requested light green and horizontally striped wallpaper but instead they callously chose to put up dark green and vertically striped wallpaper instead. I was absolutely shocked when I discovered the mistake and I promptly contacted the two decorators, but they said it would cost me an extra £150 to remove the wallpaper and on top of that another £200 to put up the correct wallpaper. I couldn't possibly afford that in a month of Sundays and so it was their fault for getting the wallpaper wrong. I think they should be paying me at least that much in compensation. I am still in total shock over this incident. Everytime I walk into my living room to have a piece of toast, I have to look at those horrible, and frankly disgusting vertical stripes. It makes me phyiscally sick just to be in the room and I won't be entering my own living room, frankly, until I have completed a round of thoroughly comprehensive counselling. This has left me without a TV as it's still in the living room that I cannot face going into, as a result I have had to put up with watching programmes on the iPlayer and YouTube because my computer is in another room." The man added that he has been permanently scarred for life. "I have been in such stress over this that my doctor has prescribed me anti-depressants and I've racked up over £500 on my phone bill from all the hours I spent talking to the Samaritans about this decoration mishap that has ruined my life.""

"The man told us here at the Today Programme that he was looking at taking the two decorators to court for the stress he has been put through. "I've been in contact with my solicitor over this and I'm hoping to receive a large pay-out over damaged to my mental health and also the living room wall. I've been in a terrible state since this happened, I've been eating less and I've lost so much weight that the scale doesn't even register it anymore. Every night I have nightmares about every room in my house being covered in this nightmarishly, dark-green, vertically-striped wallpaper from hell and I usually wake up in tears that have stained my pillow in the salty residue. On top of that I'm dripping in heavy sweat each morning." A spokesman from Tonbridge Trading Standards recommended that if you're planning to hire someone to redecorate your room that you keep an eye on them at all times, because you wouldn't want anyone to go through the same thing that the man in Tonbridge has gone through. The man in Tonbridge had one final statement which was recorded off the Samaritans phone line: "I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy.""

[END OF NEWS ARTICLE #9]

Presenter: "This is making me so relieved this story, that erm... we don't get time, generally, working at the Today Programme to redecorate our houses, as a result my flat, which is located in the north of London, I've just painted it black and I've got some heavy metal posters from Covent Garden market and that's given it a bit of flourish and a bit of a homely touch. The time is just coming up to the time that you will be late for work already, if you haven't left it's nearly nine o'clock, what are you doing? Get a move on, and of course if you're out already on a train and still listening to this, the chances are that you have been delayed, there's nothing you can do now, just sit back, and relax, think of a good excuse for the boss and enjoy the programme."

"Life is of course sometimes rubbish like that, but quite literally that's what can happen. You would think that a rubbish tip next to houses would be considered a very rubbish thing for the residents of a housing estate in the West Midlands, but not so. They in fact have the very reverse type of feelings towards what most people would call a monstrosity. A giant rubbish tip lying just fifty feet behind most bedroom windows in the estate. Apparently the smell, according to local environmental health officers, is worse than that of a thousand bins being left out for over a month. The incredible odur from the tip is in fact so strong, it can actually damage one's oral factory system, that being the nose's actual sensitivity to smell."

[NEWS ARTICLE #10 - RUBBISH TIP IN WEST MIDLANDS]

Presenter: "Waste at this urban rubbish tip has grown so tall that it is towering over a nearby housing estate, even dwarfing a four-story block of flats. Residents say the mound, made up of household waste, industrial refuse and rubble, is a health hazard and is covering their homes in black dust. Luke Robinson, aged 23, who lives on the estate said: "Every morning I look out of my window and I see nothing but the rubbish mound. It is the most glorious site to wake up to on a morning, and I couldn't be happier that it's outside my house." Other residents of Brierley Hill, near Dudley, in the West Midlands, said that the pile has already been there for a year. One woman, who asked not to be named said: "There have been reports of rats scurrying around, not only that but I'm now hearing that homeless people are making shelter in and around the mound, so I'm glad to see that it's benefiting our community, as it should be." Another neighbour, a builder, Kevin Roberts, aged 34 said that the pile was blocking out the sunlight: "I have to switch the lights on in my house at unusual times because of the shadow of that massive pile. However, luckily, I am alergic to sunlight, and so it is doing me the world of good." he said. Mr Roberts continued: "I, and all the other residents, also save money on Glade Air Refreshners, during the summer, because during the hot weather the mountain emits a foul smell which engulfs all our homes. We like it because it reminds us back in the day when air pollution in the area was at its highest volume.""

"John Smith of the Environment Agency said the mountain of rubbish had been a godsend to the local community. "It really is a wonderful thing that we have here. It is aiding the community to a large extent, because, espcially by homeless people using the mountain of rubbish as shelter. We have plans to try and make the mountain taller as it currently stands at 40 feet." Robert Moore, an expert on trash at Harvard University said that homeless people had the right idea using it for shelter. He said: "Due to the materials that the mountain consists of, it is able to store heat inside it, so it will protect the homeless from the cold weather." It is also believed that people from different nations may be planning to attempt the rigorous challenge of climbing the 40-foot high trash mountain this summer. Whoever wins will place their country's flag directly on the peak of the mountain. Although no one has yet attempted this extremely dangerous climb, many believe that the views that would be seen from the top of the trash mountain could be spectacular, and that from there you would see the whole of Brierley Hill, as well as neighbouring towns such as Stourbridge, Kingswinford, Dudley and Old Hill, and on a clear day the mountain's peak may even provide faint views of distant Birmingham and Sandwell."

[END OF NEWS ARTICLE #10]

Presenter: "So that's a refreshing story, residents who are happy about the trash pile, a gigantic trash pile located just hundreds of yards from their houses. A happy ending for once there in Dudley in the West Midlands, not so for a doormat thief who erm... attempted to treat his victims like a doormat by stealing their doormats from out with under them."

[NEWS ARTICLE #11 - DOORMAT THIEF IN NEWMARKET, ONTARIO]

Presenter: "Police have arrested a man in connection with recent doormats that have gone missing from houses in the Newmarket area, which were found in a trash dumpster on Wednesday. York Regional Police say they expect to charge a 37 year old man with doormat theft and failing to correctly recycle doormats. He was arrested at 4 A.M. on Thursday without incident. Police say the arrested man, named Roger Walker, remains in police custody. The doormats were found on Saturday inside a trash dumpster at Mulock Drive in Newmarket. Doormats are meant to be recycled correctly, not just thrown into trash dumpsters. Since the start of January, doormats have been going missing from houses all over Newmarket, including Armitage and Stonehaven areas. On Tuesday, police received a phone call from someone in Newmarket who saw the man stealing doormats. They recognised him immediately as a local man, Roger Walker. It is reported that Walker faced boredom problems and stole the doormats to "pass the time." The investigation into Walker's crime is the third time in just six months that police in Southern Ontario have been confronted with cases involving stolen doormats."

"In August, police led an investigation into missing doormats in Toronto, which were found in several locations. Police later charged David Green with doormat theft and littering them around Toronto. That same month more doormats were found in the lower Niagara River. These were also linked with Green, who was charged on a further count of littering the river. Further doormats had been found near the Newmarket water tower. York Regional Police released a statement saying: "This doormat situation is getting out of control now. Doormats all over Canada are going missing and we need to start dealing with the problem before it gets worse. We will be increasing patrols across Southern Ontario, however we recommend all residents in Newmarket and Toronto to exercise caution when it comes to their doormats. The sentence for this crime is very severe including extradition to rural Nunavut, Northern Territories or even Yukon, as well as a fine of up to $50,000.""

[END OF NEWS ARTICLE #11]

Presenter: "Our special report from Canada there, and now it's time to feature some traffic for once on the Radio 4 Today Programme. Our traffic reporter is about to do something that if you're of a certain age, you'll have probably wanted to do at some time in your life, yourself."

[TRAFFIC REPORT - ABBEY ROAD, LONDON - SOUND OF CARS GOING PAST AND SIRENS IN BACKGROUND]

Traffic Reporter: "This is my London traffic update, it's very very simple, I'm going to try and recreate the cover on The Beatles' Abbey Road album, and the live results that I experience will form the traffic update. Right, I'm just crossing now, it's important that I don't look both ways because I want to see what sort of traffic we're experiencing. [SOUND OF CAR HORNS PRECEDING] Well, we are finding that ... WOW! I'm crossing here! Why don't you make a delivery to up my ass, oh wait, you nearly did! Oh, so Amazon parcels are of vital importance now, are they? People ordering things, do they need them delivered on time? Anyway to cut a long story short, the, all the roads in London, especially this one, Abbey Road, are incredibly busy this time of day, so if you do leave your house to go to work, which is usually vital or you could actually lose your job and therefore the ability to travel and work in London, erm... You're going to find that it's exceptionally busy, erm... and if I were you I would just walk or take the tube. If you decide to drive in London then you're actually madder than me, having walked out on Abbey Road and tried to recreate the Abbey Road album cover that The Beatles made so famously in the 60s. Now that's mad, isn't it? But you'd be madder than that if you actually tried to drive in London, anywhere today. Just mark my words."

[END OF TRAFFIC REPORT]

[END OF TODAY PROGRAMME - OUTRO]

AJ: "The Radio 4 Today Programme spoof was written by Asterick Jones featuring stories written by Jack Bromby for funnynewsarticles.blogspot.co.uk and some additional stories by Asterick Jones. The programme was a GoodLagh production for Channel 107."