(N.B. - If a segment of text is enclosed with an equals sign "=", it indicates song lyrics.)
[INTRO - MR PEACH]
Mr Peach: "Peach here. My High School Musical Monday. Enjoy."
[SKY NEWS 1PM UPDATE]
Newsreader: "The update from Sky News at one o'clock. Cuddling teddy bears too tightly is abuse. Children had teddy bears taken away from them after social workers claimed that they were manhandling their toys too much. In statistics released by the Home Office 68,100 cuddly toys are currently in local authority care according to recent figures. 50,900 of the same toys have been placed in stable foster homes, and 230 toys in those foster homes have been released due to safety c..."
[SKY NEWS UPDATE ABRUPTLY CUTS OFF, OVER TO STUDIO WITH MR PEACH]
Mr Peach: "There's no time for the news now. Everybody's going to listen to me. [SHUFFLING/BACKGROUND NOISE]. In here? I thought this was the broom cupboard. What's all that?"
Mr Dodd: "That is the radio station equipment for the school radio station."
Mr Peach: "Oh so it is, it looks more complicated than the [INAUDIBLE] Nasa space missions. How am I suppose to get my head round this? [MICROPHONE TAPPING] What's this thing? It looks like a knob."
Mr Dodd: "That I do believe is the microphone."
Mr Peach: "Oh so it's a bit like the tannoy that I use to s**t up the students. Oh no, are we on air? I know what Ofcom's like, they can't stand a single swear word. Even though I daily unleash a string of expletives when it comes to my students. I can't believe that I've gotta do this, just because Timmy's off sick. We've gotta keep this show on the air, or else bloody Ofcom will take away the licence. How do I get on air? I can't hear myself think!"
Mr Dodd: "I could not be certain of the technicalities myself, but I do believe that you are meant to talk into this contraption that's called a microphone. Like this. [TAPPING ON MICROPHONE]
Mr Peach: "I can't hear it."
Mr Dodd: "I could try putting up this slider here."
[FEEDBACK NOISES]
Mr Peach: "Ah! What did you do that for?!? You nearly took my ear off!"
Mr Dodd: "Awfully sorry, sir! I didn't realise that the speakers were on. You're meant to wear these headphones to stop the acoustic effect of feedback from occuring.
Mr Peach: "Give me those! What does that red light mean over there? Is it a fire alarm?"
Mr Dodd: "No, and I hate to tell you this. I apologise profusely, but I think the last few minutes, of you getting to know yourself technically around the studio, have been going out live."
Mr Peach: "What! We're on the air?!? You'd better hope that no one's been listening to this, or else you're gonna pay the Ofcom fine personally out of your wages, Dodd! I've been sat here swearing like a trooper that's been taking speed, and you didn't think to warn me earlier! Right, well we've gotta get this show on the road and start playing some serious music, and what will we be playing? I'll tell you what I like, hard classic rock, from the likes of T-Rex, I also like the death metal songs that were written by The Eagles."
Mr Dodd: "Hotel California?"
Mr Peach: "Hotel California, that was satanic!"
Mr Dodd: "I do rather believe that this playlist indicates that you will actually be playing smooth songs from the shows."
Mr Peach: "Sound of Music? Mary bloody Poppins? Oh this is soft s**t!"
Mr Dodd: "I think you better start the musical disc recording, otherwise Ofcom will be on to us. It's a condition of our licence."
Mr Peach: "Oh what does it say here? From Shrek 2, I've seen that film! I got that out on torrent the day it came out... on torrent, which was actually a bit before the cinema. Shrek 2, I didn't know Jennifer Saunders was on that. Holding Out For A Hero, wasn't that from the 80s?"
Mr Dodd: "Well, you've got to play it. This playlist is compulsory."
[SONG #1 - 'HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO' PLAYS, FEEDBACK NOISES FOLLOW]
Mr Peach: "What's going on?!?"
Mr Dodd: "It's playing out of the speakers! You've got to play it from the computer."
Mr Peach: "Well I just thought you could the microphone to the speakers, isn't that what radio stations do? Well, at least..."
Mr Dodd: "At least turn this off! I'm getting awful feedback across the air!"
[SOUNDS OF DISTORTION]
Mr Peach: "Oh, I don't know what to do! You sort it, Dodd. You're the technical science wizard around here."
Mr Dodd: "I just... have a look at these switches, one of them's got to work. We can't have it going on like this! [INAUDIBLE] lose my hair of stress. I don't know how to operate a radio station!"
Mr Peach: "Oh my ears! We're all gonna be deaf at the school! How many listeners do we have, Dodd?!?"
Mr Dodd: "[INAUDIBLE] won't be able to hear come Monday morning! Alright, I think I've found it. Thank heavens for that!"
[FEEDBACK/DISTORTION ENDS, SONG PLAYS NORMALLY]
= Somewhere after midnight =
= In my wildest fantasy =
= Somewhere just beyond my reach =
= There's someone reaching back for me =
= Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat =
= It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet =
Mr Peach [PROMO OVER SONG]: "Peach's High School Musical Monday. I've been asked to present an hour on the radio. I don't even know where to begin on that one!"
= Up where the mountains meet the heaven above =
= Out where the lightning splits the sea =
= I would swear that there's someone somewhere =
= Watching me =
= Through the wind and the chill and the rain =
= And the storm and the flood =
= I can feel his approach =
= Like fire in my blood =
= I need a hero =
= I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light =
= He's gotta be sure =
= And it's gotta be soon =
= And he's gotta be larger than life =
= He's gotta be strong =
= And he's gotta be fast =
= And he's gotta be fresh from the fight =
= I need a hero =
[END OF SONG #1 - 'HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO']
Mr Peach: "Are we on? I must admit that when I woke up this morning I didn't actually realise I would be getting ? later in the day, but now I've got a permanent ringing behind the ears. This is gonna come out of your wages, Dodd!"
Mr Dodd: "With the amount of things coming out of my wages these days I'll end up paying money to the school, rather than getting anything back."
Mr Peach: "Yes, yes, enough about your plight in life. It's all 'me me me' isn't it? 'Oh I don't get any wages', 'Oh, I just get a minimum wage when I do', 'I'm gonna call a tribunal!' You only ever think about yourself. What about your pupils? What about me? I've got to run a radio station here, with equipment that looks like it's been nicked from NASA and then had a load of soft drinks spilled all over it! This is a disgrace!!! My bloody pressure is starting to boil over like a kettle, I just can't carry on talking anymore, thank God that you've gotta play music here, cos I would blow up! So that was Shrek 2, Saunders, Holding Out For A Hero, whatever it is, let's just have a look at this. And what's this? How am I gonna get any music on? I can't see any CDs or tapes."
Mr Dodd: "Everything is recorded onto the hard drive of the computer I do believe, it is a new fangled technology which I couldn't understand in the slightest, but it's all here in this musical software."
Mr Peach: "I don't get... I don't understand how to work it. I should ring Timmy from his sick bed. He's having so much fun being ill, isn't he? In all expense. Get him to explain what the hell his show is all about."
Mr Dodd: "Well it does say we should play Queen 'We Will Rock You' Musical One Vision."
Mr Peach: "I've got a CD of that, I thought I had to bring CDs in. [PUTS CD IN DRIVE] Oh for heaven and hell's sake, it's Track 13, how do they do it all instantly? Like when I listen to the radio in the car.
[TRACK 1 PLAYS]
Mr Peach: "That's Track 1, get this crap off!"
[TRACK 2 PLAYS]
Mr Peach: "That's Track 2, we don't want to play that. I'm sorry listeners, but I have to use old fashioned CDs here."
[TRACK 3 PLAYS]
Mr Peach: "Track 3, we don't want this track either."
[TRACK 4 PLAYS]
Mr Peach: "Track 4"
[TRACK 5 PLAYS]
Mr Peach: "Track 5"
[TRACK 6 PLAYS]
Mr Peach: "Track 6"
[TRACK 7 PLAYS]
Mr Peach: "Track 7, we're nearly there! Which is kind of an ironic statement, by the way."
[TRACK 8 PLAYS]
Mr Peach: "Track 8, oh geez! 9!"
[TRACK 9 PLAYS]
Mr Peach: "10"
[TRACK 10 PLAYS]
[TRACK 11 PLAYS]
Mr Peach: "11"
[TRACK 12 PLAYS]
Mr Peach: "Not this one either. Finally, I think it's this one."
[TRACK 13 PLAYS]
Mr Peach: "This is what we're meant to be playing, on Timmy's radio show for Neston's High School Musical Monday. It's a bank holiday, no one's listening anyway! We're just doing this to keep our licence on the air. From Queen 'We Will Rock You' the musical written in 2002, this is One Vision."
[SONG #2 - QUEEN - 'ONE VISION' PLAYS]
Mr Peach [PROMO OVER SONG]: "Peach's High School Musical Monday. I've been asked to present an hour on the radio. I don't even know where to begin on that one!"
= One man, one goal, =
= One mission. =
= One heart, one soul, =
= Just one solution. =
= One flash of light, yeah, =
= One god, one vision. =
= One flesh, one bone, =
= One true religion. =
= One voice, one hope, =
= One real decision. =
= Wowowowo, gimme one vision, yeah. =
= I had a dream when I was young, =
= A dream of sweet illusion, =
= A glimpse of hope and unity, =
= And visions of one sweet union. =
= But a cold wind blows, =
= And a dark rain falls, =
= And in my heart it shows. =
= Look what they've done to my dream, yeah. =
= One vision! =
= So give me your hands, =
= Give me your hearts. =
= I'm ready. =
= There's only one direction. =
= One world, one nation, =
= Yeah, one vision. =
= No hate, no fight, =
= Just excitation, =
= All through the night, =
= It's a celebration, wowowowo, yeah. =
= One [ECHO] =
= All we hear is Radio ga ga =
= Radio goo goo =
= Radio ga ga =
= All we hear is Radio ga ga =
= Radio blah blah =
= One flesh, one bone, =
= One true religion. =
= One voice, one hope, =
= One real decision. =
= Gimme one night, yeah. =
= Gimme one hope, hey. =
= Just gimme, ah. =
= One man, one man, =
= One bar, one night, =
= One day, hey, hey. =
= Just gimme gimme, gimme, gimme =
= Fried chicken. =
= Vision [FADING] =
[END OF SONG #2 - QUEEN - 'ONE VISION']
[VOICEOVER ON TRACK]
Man: "All that's left, Scaramouch. Do you realise that? The Bohemians are finished, the heartbreak hotel destroyed!"
Woman: "Britney Spears died to save us."
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Oh, shut up! This isn't music, the track's continuing to play."
Mr Dodd [OVER TRACK]: "Well you'd better stop it then, hadn't you?"
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "This is going on even longer than the song now."
[VOICEOVER ON TRACK]
Man: "...you know that don't you?"
Woman: "Yeah, I know, probably killed."
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "This is ridiculous, and no one's listening anyway. It's a bank holiday Monday, everyone's off school. The radio station barely gets into the gym and into the rec centre next door. Try and listen in there and it's just a load of crackly hiss.
Mr Dodd: "Yes, it's rather unfortunate."
Mr Peach: "Those school children are soft as garbage. They should have taken a leaf out of the book of our teachers, those ignorant idiots around the country think we get to have time off over holidays, weekends, but we're in all the time. The government would have us working Christmas Day if they could get away with it! Right, the next track is gonna come on now, cos otherwise you'd have to put up with my gob gawking up and down for the hour, and no one wants that, I can tell you! Least of all 1500 students summoned in to my presence when I bark at them down a tannoy. I'm not actually going to be sadistic enough to do that via a radio station as well."
"Now, the next track I can't find on the system, because it's s**t. I'm gonna have to look for it, instead. I might find a free CD that I got with The Sun. So I'm just putting that into the drive. [PUTS CD IN DRIVE] Here it is. If you collect enough tokens you get a free holiday to Algeria, but I didn't, so I was just given this s**t, which is the Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory Soundtrack. Good if you like this sort of crap, and you obviously do if you're bothering to listen to this. Well, take it from me, you listening to this are totally sad."
[SONG #3 - 'THE CANDY MAN' (WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY) PLAYS]
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "I thought this was suppose to be music! If I was going to play a film over this I would have brought a DVD player in."
Willy Wonka: "Wonka's got a new one today."
Children: "What is it?"
Willy Wonka: "This is called a scrum-diddly-umptious box."
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Are you sure this is legal to play this? It's just a clip from the film!"
Willy Wonka: "Do you ask a fish how it swims?"
Child: "No."
Willy Wonka: "Or a bird how it flies?"
Child: "No."
Willy Wonka: "No, siree, you don't."
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "I bet Dodd'd know the answer."
Willy Wonka: "Just like Willy Wonka was born to be a candy..."
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "He's such a swot and a brain box, thinks he's better than everybody else."
[SONG LYRICS]:
= Who can take a sunrise =
= Sprinkle it in dew =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "I'd better shut up now, there's some music on, which is code for radio presenters like me to shut the hell up!"
= The candyman =
= The candyman can =
= The candyman can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good =
= Who can take a rainbow =
= Wrap it is a sigh =
= Soak it in the sun =
= and make a strawberry lemon pie? =
Children: "The Candyman?"
= The candyman =
= The candyman can =
= The candyman can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good =
= Willy Wonka makes =
= Everything he bakes =
= Satisfying and delicious =
= Talk about your childhood wishes =
= You can even eat the dishes =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Oh, for God's sake!"
= Who can take tomorrow =
= Dip it in a deam =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "I can't... I can't believe this!"
= Seperate the sorrow =
= And collect up all the cream? =
= The Candyman =
Children: "The Candyman can."
= The Candyman can =
= The candyman can cause he mixes it with love =
= And makes the world taste good =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: Willy Wonka this is from, 1971 this is.
= And the world tastes good cause the candyman thinks it should =
[END OF SONG #3 - 'THE CANDY MAN' (WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY)]
Mr Peach: "It was when film's for children were actually good. Not like the animated CGI s**t we get these days. Listen I need to get off for a bit, cos as radio presenters get to go to the toilet whenever they like, but Timmy's got alot to answer for, a show full of songs that are less than two minutes long! How am I suppose to take a s**t in that time?!? Oh, I'm going to give it a try. Let's break the Guinness book of world records, shall we? For the fastest stool delivery. Then we've got the fact that the toilet block is halfway across the school. I'll feel like I'm running a marathon. Well, wish me luck and see how we get on while I play this from the Wizard of Oz, possibly twice. If only I had the nerve.
[SONG #4 - 'IF ONLY I HAD THE NERVE'/'WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD' (WIZARD OF OZ) PLAYS]
= Yeah, it's sad, believe me Missy =
= When you're born to be a sissy =
= Without the vim and verve =
= But I could show my prowess =
= Be a lion, not a mowess =
= If I only had the nerve =
= I'm afraid there's no denyin' =
= I'm just a dandylion =
= A fate I don't deserve =
= I'd be brave as a blizzard =
= I'd be gentle as a lizard =
= I'd be clever as a gizzard =
= If the Wizard is a wizard who will serve =
= Then I'm sure to get a brain =
= A heart =
= A home =
= The nerve =
= We're off to see the wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz =
= We hear he is a whiz of a wiz, if ever a wiz there was =
= If ever, oh ever a wiz there was, The Wizard of Oz is one because =
= Because, because, because, because, because =
= Because of the wonderful things he does =
= We're off to see the wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz =
[END OF SONG #4 - 'IF ONLY I HAD THE NERVE'/'WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD' (WIZARD OF OZ)]
Mr Peach: "I just made it. P.E. teacher thinks he's so hard, I bet he couldn't beat that time. God, I've had to run a few times like the marathon to do a crap. There's one time that I literally had to sprint into a motorway services after I'd been baking it since Birmingham. I had to push past a queue of tourists and foreign visiors, and all the cubicles ended up engaged, so I had to do it, in the end, in the urinal. I wouldn't have liked to have been the cleaner there that day, I can tell you."
"And let me tell you a little anecdote about the crap that I've just done, I think it was brought on by a triple curry that I had last night, as well as the four rounds of toast, that's why I had a little bit of difficulty delivering it. It seemed to get a bit stuck halfway out, so I had to get the toilet brush to bring the rest of it out, and this is all within 30 seconds!"
Mr Dodd: "That was a very graphic description of your past minute, I must say, Sir, are you sure the students should be knowing about this?"
Mr Peach: "It's alright, the only person listening is the cleaner, and I've just given him a heads up about what he can expect in a few hours. This next one's from a film that I've never heard of, called Anastasia, is that a Disney or something? Well it's about Russia apparently, which is probably why I've never heard of the film. Nobody cares, but nevertheless the nerd, Timmy, has put it on his playlist. Cos he thinks he's so smart, that he's even heard of musical tracks that I've never heard of.
[SONG #5 - AALIYAH - 'JOURNEY TO THE PAST' (ANASTASIA) PLAYS] (N.B. - Over this track, Mr Peach fails to realise he has kept the microphone running and so he and Dodd can be heard throughout this song. Not all lyrics of song are transcribed.)
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Here it is, Anastasia, Journey To The Past."
"Peach's High School Musical Monday"
= Heart, don't fail me now! =
= Courage, don't desert me! =
= Don't turnback =
= Now that we're here =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Is this how you turn the microphone down?"
= People always say =
= Life is full of choices =
Mr Dodd [OVER TRACK]: "It should be down now. I can't work out which of these sliders brings it down."
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "We should be able to talk about something a bit more private then."
= On this journey...to the past =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "I have to tell you, I've got some expenses I'd like to claim."
Mr Dodd [OVER TRACK]: "I really don't think you can stretch the expenses any further."
= Arms will open wide =
= I'll be safe and wanted =
= Fin'lly home where I belong =
= Well, starting now =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Should I put some toast in?"
= On this journey =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "How long have I got left?"
= ...to the past =
Mr Dodd [OVER TRACK]: "Three and a half minutes on this record."
= Home, Love, Family =
= There was once a time =
= I must have had them too =
= Home, Love =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "How do I claim for a new widescreen TV? My dog got a little bit over excited when I got home last night, and he jumped up and knocked it flat over."
= One step at a time =
Mr Dodd [OVER TRACK]: "How much would a new television cost?"
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "[INAUDIBLE] I have a 3D, HD, LCD, the last one was a bit crap which is why I stood next to the telly hoping he would knock it over."
= Yes, let this be a sign! =
= Let, this road be mine! =
= Let it lead me to my past =
= And bring me home =
= At last... =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Which was the slider you put down so that we could talk secretly off air? We need to put it up again now! Nobody'll be able to hear my voice!"
[END OF SONG #5 - AALIYAH - 'JOURNEY TO THE PAST' (ANASTASIA)]
Mr Dodd: "I think... I think it was this one."
(N.B. - Mr Dodd thinks he's turned the microphone on again, not realising it was already turned on and has now turned it off. The microphone is turned back on during Song #6.)
[DEAD AIR - 38 SECONDS]
[SONG #6 - MARY POPPINS - 'SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS' PLAYS]
= It's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Well, I hope everyone heard that. That was the best one I've ever done as well. I really am proud of myself. Think I'm starting to get the hang of this now. It was brilliant, wait until I show the Superintendent the recording of the show. Are we recording this, Dodd? Well, I hope you know how to use a bleeper thing. I've been shooting my mouth off! Oh, it's garbage this track, isn't it? It really is."
= Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! =
= Even though the sound of it =
= Is something quite atrocious =
= If you say it loud enough =
= You'll always sound precocious =
= Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Oh, she thinks she's so clever being able to say that, well I can say it! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I'll keep saying it. In fact I'll bring the microphone up when I'm saying it so everyone can hear me. Supercali..[MIC OFF]..expialidocious. See."
Mr Dodd [OVER TRACK]: "Yes, that's very good, Sir, I'm most impressed. I'll try and say it, it'll be easy. Supercalifragilisti-docious."
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "No, Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Repeat after me, listen, it's easy. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."
Mr Dodd [OVER TRACK]: "Supercalifragilisticextalidocious."
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Oh, you moron! You've gotta copy me, what I say. Try again. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."
Mr Dodd [OVER TRACK]: "Supercalifragilaisticexpiali... Supercalifragilaisticaladocious... Supercalifragilaisticespyaladocious."
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Oh God, get off! You haven't got a clue! I've gotta talk again on the radio and introduce the next track, so please, would you kindly zip your mouth up shut."
[END OF SONG #6 - MARY POPPINS - 'SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS']
[MICROPHONE OFF - DEAD AIR - 24 SECONDS]
[SONG #7 - THE MUPPETS - 'SAILING FOR ADVENTURE' PLAYS]
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Oh, another absolutely awesome ? that was. Like I said, I'm actually getting to be quite good at this.
= With our hearts unbound and our flags unfurled =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "I'm gonna put some more toast in, I deserve it."
= Under way and off to see the world =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Also I've got the extra caffeine strengh from coffee. I could put that on, I'd be prancing around and dancing to the songs! It's at least an hour break from the usual OFSTED crap that we have to do."
Mr Dodd [OVER TRACK]: "Well, I'm sat here marking. I've marked about 50 pieces of homework since we started in this radio studio. I can't afford to let a single one."
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "I send them out, I send them out to a service on the Internet that does it for you. Cost me about half my wages, but I think I might live to the age of 80 though, [INAUDIBLE] stress related heart attack."
= I love to see 'em cry when they walk the plank =
= I prefer to cut a throat =
= I love to hang 'em high =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Was it this slider? Oh, Dodd! You've put the wrong one up! We've been speaking on the air! You can see the levels going up everytime I let my voice off! I've been talking all over the song! Oh.. just.. just a minute."
= And Margaritas at the midnight buffet =
= Margaritas at the midnight buffet =
= Hey ho we'll go =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "I didn't say anything incriminating, did I? I'll need to destroy the tape after the show."
= Sailing for adventure on the bounding main =
= The salty breezes whisper =
= Who knows what lies ahead =
= I just know I was born to live the life my father lead =
= The stars will be our compass =
= Wherever we may roam =
= And our mates will always be =
= Just like a family =
= And though we may put into port, the sea is always home =
= All right, Mr. Bimbo! I didn't know you had such a good =
= singing voice --- your welcome! =
= Pirates: We'll chase our dreams standing on our own =
= Over the horizon to the great unknown =
= Hey ho we'll go =
= Anywhere the wind is blowing =
= Bold and brave and free =
= Sailing for adventure =
= It's so nauseating =
= Sailing for adventure =
= So exhilarating =
= Sailing for adventure =
= We're all celebrating! =
= On the deep blue sea =
[END OF SONG #7 - THE MUPPETS - 'SAILING FOR ADVENTURE']
Mr Dodd: "I am temporarily presenting this radio broadcast because my boss, Mr Peach, is too enraged to be able to speak. There's no webcam into the studio, but if there was you would literally see him turn red! That really happens. It's almost like he's hiding his anger beneath the crinkles on his face."
Mr Peach: "Oh, you.. you.. moron! All the things that I said! Don't you know how to operate a radio station once you've looked at it for five minutes?!? All the things! I can't even... tt.t.t.. ooooh!"
[SONG #8 - RANDY NEWMAN - 'STRANGE THINGS' (TOY STORY) PLAYS]
Mr Dodd [OVER TRACK]: "Yes, I think erm.. I think I'd better put a record on, you really don't want to be subject to this."
= I was on top of the world =
= it was right in my pocket =
= I was living the life =
= things were just the way they should be =
= When from out of the sky like a bomb comes some little punk in a rocket =
= now all of a sudden some strange things are happening to me =
= I had friends, =
= I had lots of friends =
= Now all my friends are gone =
= And I'm doing the best I can to carry on =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Just thought I'd inform you I need a wee now, but this song is long enough."
= I had power (power) =
= I was respected (respect) =
= But not any more =
= And I've lost the love to the one whom I adored =
= Let me tell you about the strange things are happening to me =
= Strange things =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Just thought I'd share that with you, I'm off now."
= Strange things are happening to me... =
= Ain't no doubt about it =
= You got someone you think you know well =
= It turns out a stranger =
= The minute you turn your back =
= You're in it all by yourself =
= They laugh at your jokes, =
= You think you're doing quite well =
= But you're in danger, boy =
= You end up alone, forgotten, way up on the shelf =
= Strange things are happening to me =
= Strange things =
= Strange things are happening to me =
= Ain't no doubt about it =
= Strange things are happening to me =
= Strange things =
= Strange things are happening to me =
= Strange things =
Mr Dodd [OVER TRACK]: "What's this one from?"
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "About that film, the room full of toys that came to life every time the owner disappeared."
[END OF SONG #8 - RANDY NEWMAN - 'STRANGE THINGS' (TOY STORY)]
Mr Dodd: "I've only watched films from the early 30s. Even the Wizard of Oz was too new for me. I've not heard of barely any of these songs."
Mr Peach: "I've got no words to describe what I should say to that, but I've watched a boat load of films on almost every Friday of the week, when we can't be bothered to have lessons. Just stick them in front of a portable telly and just put any film on that's vaguely educational. It was Men In Black last Friday. We learned alot about extraterrestrial life. It was science."
Mr Dodd: "You do realise that this is the bit that goes out to the public, rather than the bit you thought was secret because we put the sliders up by mistake."
Mr Peach: "Oh yes, of course, yes. Well, I thought people couldn't listen to this part now. I don't know what the hell I'm doing."
Mr Dodd: "Well, let's play the next record. It is The Dictator. Michelle J. Nasser, 9 To 5."
Mr Peach: "Never heard of it."
[SONG #9 - MICHELLE J. NASSER - '9 TO 5' (THE DICTATOR) PLAYS]
(N.B. - As this song is in Arabic no lyrics can currently be transcribed.)
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "This is Dolly Parton, got the wrong record here. What's this? It sounds like they're speaking Klingon."
Mr Dodd [OVER TRACK]: "It's because it's off... the soundtrack... of The Dictator film. Sacha Baron Cohen."
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: [INAUDIBLE] Well nobody can understand what she's going on about, I suppose we could talk over them."
Mr Dodd [OVER TRACK]: "I'm not sure what Ofcom are going to make of this show. We shouldn't talk over the records."
[END OF SONG #9 - MICHELLE J. NASSER - '9 TO 5' (THE DICTATOR)]
Mr Peach: "Oh, you nincompoop, I've had to refrain from using swear words now. We were suppose to play the... it says here on the instruction sheet, which I've only just bothered to read, that we're suppose to be playing sweepers and things over this show, but we've been playing the bare music, why didn't you tell me?"
Mr Dodd: "I couldn't understand it either, I don't know what half of this jargon, or nonsense means."
Mr Peach: "I think it means you're meant to play this."
[SWEEPER] - "The greatest musical songs of all time. Willy Wonka and classic Disney. The Sound of Music. The Wizard of Oz. Mary Poppins. The most magical songs from the musicals of all time. Now also playing on Mixcloud - The James Bond Soundtrack Hour."
"This is a party political broadcast by the Cadbury Party."
"This is an appeal on behalf of all chocolate."
Mr Peach [OVER SWEEPER]: "Hmm, yeah!"
"Did you know, that at Easter, hundreds of people eat this special treat. Ten times more people...."
Mr Peach [OVER SWEEPER]: "Easter? But it's after Easter! They programmed this all wrong."
"The chocolate makers at Cadbury have got on board with this new.. Fadbury, meaning..."
Mr Peach [OVER SWEEPER]: "Have we got any chocolate? I'm gonna go to the shop. I can't stand this. I haven't eaten a savoury today and now there's an advert about chocolate. [INAUDIBLE]"
"So before you buy chocolate this Easter. Think. Buy an egg."
Mr Peach [OVER SWEEPER]: "How long is it gonna take to go to the shop?"
"But, generally, they're not as good"
Mr Dodd [OVER SWEEPER]: "Well, I think that the nearest corner shop..."
"This is a party political broadcast ...."
[END OF SWEEPER]
Mr Dodd: "I think the nearest shop is about ten minutes away by foot, and then you've got to get served and come back. However we're on air for another 20 minutes."
Mr Peach: "Well, would you pop out to the shop for me? I want you to get about 10 chocolate bars. Do you get me?"
Mr Dodd: "Yes, do you want to write me a shopping list?"
Mr Peach: "Cadbury's Flake, Cadbury's Galaxy, do they make that? Wispa, Kit Kat, Dairy Milk 500 grams, Mars."
Mr Dodd: "Right, so basically everything they might have?"
Mr Peach: "Yes, just get everything. Here's 50 quid."
Mr Dodd: "Right, well err, then, I won't disturb you, I'll just leave quietly."
[SHUFFLING/BACKGROUND NOISES]
Mr Peach: "Oh thank God he's gone, this show's coolness factor is about to go through the roof now that he's taken an absence." [SOUND OF DRINK BEING KNOCKED OVER] "Oh s**t, I've spilt my coffee all over the playlist! I couldn't tell what half of these songs were before, never mind now, now that all the ink has blended into one! How the hell am I gonna work out what to play?!? Now Dodd's not even here to help me, these are just a bunch of about 10,000 random songs! I don't know what I'm gonna do, we're on the air for nearly 15 minutes more. I haven't got a clue what to do. I've got an idea. Just wait here."
[SHUFFLING/BACKGROUND NOISE - SILENCE FOR 32 SECONDS]
Mr Peach: "Sorry to keep you waiting. I'd like to introduce you to another presenter on this radio show. He's agreed to join me under the pain of sufferance. So, I'm your headmaster, Peach, you heard before your good science teacher Mr Dodd, who's gone off to get me some much needed chocolate supplies, and I'd like to introduce you to Dave. He's the school caretaker. We're gonna do a little interview, how this is your life as it were. At least stop squeaking in the chair. Alright, so let's have a little talk about your life."
Dave: "Alright, my name is Dave."
Mr Peach: "How long have you been a cleaner for, Dave?"
Dave: "Well, I first become a cleaner at the age of 27. That was when I'd been to college, I got a masters in physics, and I've got 15 A-Levels, in science, for example, also I've been doing placements, with the University of Manchester's astronomy department. I was on course to become a lecturer, but due to the recession I couldn't fine many jobs and I've had to start signing on at the job centre. Right now I'm on Jobseekers Allowance, but they found a placement for me, they told me that if I didn't do the placement my benefits would be stopped."
Mr Peach: "Yeah, and if you didn't come into the studio, I'd have to dismiss you as I've just found out, and you'd be sanctioned, and you wouldn't get a single penny towards your living expenses, you wouldn't be able to afford any food or even the roof over your head. That's why you're here."
Dave: "Yeah, that's why I've agreed to do the interview to talk about my exciting life as a cleaner, because I could be sanctioned at the job centre if I'm sent home for any reason, but basically, I'm a cleaner now round this school, which I find very interesting work, you certainly get to meet alot of people, some of them are in a hurry when they rush into the toilets, and then they leave me some work to do, which I am grateful for, of course, cos it's a bit boring being a cleaner when there's nothing to clean."
"Sometimes there's alot of waste products in the toilet for example, I'm responsible for putting out the urinal cakes into the urinal water flow. Well, not many people know this, but we actually have to order those urinal cakes from Ebay, we get them in a bulk lot. 100 that we can use throughout the year, and then of course, there are some perks with the job, I get to have a piss myself and clean myself up as well, I can have a sneaky little crap at the end of the day, so it's not all bad."
Mr Peach: "So have you always wanted to be a cleaner, Dave?"
Dave: "Well, not really, I've always wanted to maybe be another type of menial job, for example I could garden, could be a gardener, could be a road sweeper, but I just think if I start here as a cleaner, I could rise up through the ranks and one day be head cleaner, and that's gonna be something, get myself a nice little job title, get my wages up slightly above minimum wage and life will be slightly good."
Mr Peach: "I've got news for you there, Dave, you can be head cleaner all you like, cos you're the ONLY cleaner in school due to budget cuts, most teachers have to spend the end of the day cleaning up after themselves, and I've got a bit of breaking news that I would like to give you that I was going to tell you in the office privately, but since I need to fill up this radio broadcast, we might as well do it right here. Since the toilets in the school have reached max capacity, due to their extreme popularity at lunchtimes, the Superintendant has decided to install another toilet block at the other end of the school, near to the science block, but as the budget wouldn't stretch to another cleaner, you're gonna be responsible for that as well."
"And I think that in the spirit of this radio show, I think in light of your new position and your increased workload that we should celebrate. So have a bit of champagne. I know it's the day, but I'm sure you're going to need to drown your sorrows. [SOUND OF CHAMPAGNE BEING POURED/GLASSES CLINKING TOGETHER] Are you enjoying that, Dave? You don't look like you feel like celebrating. Well, I tell you what I'll cheer you up with a funny anecdote from my life that has a connection with your job."
"I think I was in the school toilets for the first time when I first got promoted to head teacher. I still had an insatiable appetite for food and the cupboards were running a little bit dry, and I thought the urinal cakes were somehow edible. So, my first week in the job was spent in hospital having my stomach pumped out. I lost quite alot of weight that week. What I did lose in the hospital was given to me inside a plastic bag for me to take home, after they pumped my stomach out. It's a funny story, isn't it? You're not laughing, Dave."
Dave: "Yeah, that's amazing, that, absolutely. Anyway, I do have another 48 toilets to clean, so, I don't know if you wouldn't mind me getting back to my duties now."
Mr Peach: "What am I gonna do for the next 10 minutes?"
Dave: "Well, I've got a good song playing on my phone. Maybe I can lend you the phone. You can use that."
Mr Peach: "What, just plug it in? Well this show can't get any more unprofessional."
[SHUFFLING/BACKGROUND NOISE/BUZZING SOUND AS PHONE IS PLUGGED INTO AUX]
[SONG #10 - THE EAGLES - 'HOTEL CALIFORNIA' PLAYS]
= I saw a shimmering light =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "Oh yeah, some hard rock. This is more like it. Oh yeah, rock it!"
= There she stood in the doorway =
= I heard the mission bell =
= And I was thinking to myself, =
= "This could be Heaven or this could be Hell" =
= Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way =
= There were voices down the corridor, =
= I thought I heard them say... =
= Welcome to the Hotel California =
= Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place) =
= Such a lovely face =
= Plenty of room at the Hotel California =
= Any time of year (Any time of year) =
= You can find it here =
= Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes Benz =
= She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends =
= How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat =
= Some dance to remember, some dance to forget =
= So I called up the Captain, =
= "Please bring me my wine" =
= Hed, "We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine" =
= And still those voices are calling from far away, =
= Wake you up in the middle of the night =
= Just to hear them say... =
= Welcome to the Hotel California =
= Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place) =
= Such a lovely face =
= They livin' it up at the Hotel California =
= What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise) =
= Bring your alibis =
= Mirrors on the ceiling, =
= The pink champagne on ice =
= And she said "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device" =
= And in the master's chambers, =
= They gathered for the feast =
= They stab it with their steely knives, =
= But they just can't kill the beast =
= Last thing I remember, I was =
= Running for the door =
= I had to find the passage back =
= To the place I was before =
= "Relax," said the night man, =
= "We are programmed to receive. =
= You can check-out any time you like, =
= But you can never leave!" =
Mr Peach [OVER TRACK]: "This is hard rock, this! [SINGING] Welcome to the Hotel California. Such a lovely place, such a lovely place, such a lovely face. Living it up at the Hotel Califorrrrrrrrrrrnnniiiiaaa. What a nice surprise, what a nice surprise, bring your alibis."
[TRACK ABRUPTLY CUTS OFF, END OF SONG #10 - THE EAGLES - 'HOTEL CALIFORNIA']
Mr Peach: "Right, enough of that. Just unplugged it."
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Mr Dodd: "Can I make a noise? Sorry. [KNOCKING ON DOOR] I've got the chocolate. Oh, you're on air, I'll stop."
Mr Peach: "Come in! When have I ever given a toss about quality? The fact that I'm doing a radio broadcast is neither here nor there. What have you got? I'm ravished."
Mr Dodd: "Well, with the 50 quid you gave me I managed to get about 49 different chocolate bars. They didn't have a Cadbury's Flake so I got you some Squares crisps instead."
Mr Peach: "You're wasting your money on crisps?!? I just wanted you to get some chocolate. You've wasted an extra quid on crisps. This is absolutely pathetic. Well, I'll open and eat them anyway and I'll be thinking badly of you. So, Dodd, did you listen to the radio while you were out?"
Mr Dodd: "Yes, I had a little transistor radio, a pocket one, in my pocket. I lost the range almost outside of the school gates. That was where you were talking about the urinal cakes."
Mr Peach: "That was quite good radio that, wasn't it, Dodd? Do you think Ofcom are gonna let us keep our licence now because we've done such a good job of this show?"
Mr Dodd: "To be quite frank, sir, I think they would be more likely to issue a radio licence to Bin Laden, if he were still alive."
Mr Peach: "Well, he did make videos. He had a show on CNN, didn't he? It was quite a fun programme, I remember what it was called 'Death To The West'. You're quite misinformed, Dodd. You don't know anything."
Mr Dodd: "I do know this, we're off air in a few seconds, so we can finally relax on this holiday Monday afternoon."
Mr Peach: "Yeah, you can knock off at five o'clock like you usually do."
Mr Dodd: "There is news on the hour it says on the, on the sheet, which I can't hardly read, actually says 'News On The Shower' or something."
Mr Peach: "It's usually a load of crap, Dodd, just listen to this."
[SKY NEWS 2PM UPDATE]
Newsreader: "And now from the Sky News Centre, it's 2 o'clock. A teenager from Oldham went for a drunken night out, and woke up on a crater on the moon. 16 year old Sam Barry was getting a cab home, when he decided to visit our lunar..."
[NEWS ABRUPTLY CUTS OFF]
Mr Peach: "I'll tell you what's better than this. Dead air! Normally we have the gardener come in for a show at this time, but since we paved it all over it's not called 'Gardener's Questiontime' anymore, it's called 'Pavement Questiontime'. Anyway I'm off now to sit off for an hour."
[END OF SHOW - OUTRO]
"You have been listening to... Peach's High School Musical Monday. I've been asked to present an hour on the radio, I wouldn't know where to begin on that one."
"Dodd and Peach were voiced by Asterick Jones."
"It was a GOODLAUG Production for Channel 107."