[INTRO - CHANNEL 107 IDENT]

AJ: "Science teacher, Mr Dodd, is facing some unwanted summer holiday next as headmaster Peach responds to the hard economical times. It's episode 7 now for Detention with Mr Dodd."

Mr Dodd: "I say, how am I going to cope without my income?"

[END OF IDENT]

[DETENTION WITH MR DODD INTRO]

Mr Dodd: "Detention, with me, Mr Dodd."

Mr Peach: "What a load of horse baloney! I have got particularly annoying members of staff, but I can't fire them these days, but you can get rid of them until the tribunal, and that's why that Dodd continues to work here, and sometimes even I face him, I lose my patience."

Mr Dodd: "Episode 7, Hard Economical Times"

[START OF EPISODE]

(Door opens, Mr Peach enters)

Mr Peach: "Have you seen this, Brian?"

Mr Dodd: "Ah yes, that's the Daily Mail, I always collect mine on the way to work."

Mr Peach: "That's right, the Daily Mail, and do you think I've been getting my Daily Mail lately? No, in fact this was yours that I stole from your Lada earlier. You shouldn't leave it on the front seat, Dodd! It's a valuable item. By the way, sorry about the broken window."

Mr Dodd: "Oh, that's okay, Bruno does it ten times a day anyway."

Mr Peach: "Now, before I forget what I was going to rant at you, have you actually read this paper today?"

Mr Dodd: "No, I haven't got round to it because I'm full of stress because I'm a minimum wage teacher."

Mr Peach: "Well, turn to page three, and don't feast your eyes on the naked women on that page! Oh wait, that's another paper. Read what the first paragraph says."

Mr Dodd: "Let me see."

(reading from newspaper) "Economic crisis deepens, 70% of people unemployed.

Mr Peach: "Not that, read the last paragraph."

Mr Dodd: "The education sector is to be the most hit"

Mr Peach: "Yeah, and as posters from World War 2 used to say, that means you Dodd. You thought I was joking yesterday when I said to you I couldn't afford to pay your wages, didn't you? Well I f*****g can't! So, I'm afraid you're gonna have to take two months off work until this crisis dies down. F**k knows if it will, 'cause I'm just guessing stabbing into the air. In the meantime, you can feel free to work for nothing, if you want to keep up your teaching, but bear in mind, because you will no longer actually be working under a contract, if any of the students like Bruno actually put you in hospital, we can't be held responsible. Now, f**k off! Oh, and before you f**k off, there's one more thing, give this textbook to Mr Field on your way out. It's a book about how to get f****d. Did you know that pratt spilled coffee over me the other day? I had to lick the remains of stains off my expensive shirt. That twat has also been messing around with my wife, who isn't even my wife yet! Now get lost!"

[DETENTION WITH MR DODD INTRO - Mr Dodd's Adventures]

Narrator: "Good morning losers, welcome to yet another boring episode of Mr Dodd's Adventures. No, I'm just pulling your leg, every episode of this series isn't boring, just Dodd. So, Mr Dodd has been told to basically get f****d for the next two months because Mr Peach cannot afford to pay him. Dodd goes over to Mr Field's class and hands him the book on how to get f****d."

(Location: Mr Field's classroom)

Mr Dodd: "Hello, Field"

Mr Field: "Hello, Dodd"

Mr Dodd: "What on earth are you doing dragging chairs and tables into the corridor, Patrick?"

Mr Field: "For your information, Brian, I had to conduct my class in the corridor, because Peach is being forced to rent half the school's classes as flats."

Mr Dodd: "Dear God, I hope mine is safe."

Mr Field: "Yes, it is unfortunately. Peach said that the respected tenants that had to be lined up for your little madhouse of science labs were put off by the orders of the bunson burners."

Mr Dodd: "I knew that they would come in for something useful one day. I might still have my science class, but why do you still get to work and I don't?"

Mr Field: "I'm a franchise now, Field English Industries. I'm self employed and sublet my [INAUDIBLE] to Mr Peach and his fine establishment, and then there is the fact that I'm 20 years younger and live in Heswall, and you only live in Neston."

Mr Dodd: "And that abode is better, is it?"

Mr Field: "I'd love to have time for this rivetting conversation, but my class is arriving."

Mr Dodd: "And there's Bruno"

Bruno: "Get the f**k out of my way! I'm trying to get to Mr Dodd's class!"

Mr Dodd: "I am Mr Dodd, young man!"

Bruno: "No you're not, you're an old man standing in my way in the corridor. I don't know what teachers are like outside of class. Boring, probably!"

Mr Dodd: "How rude, talking to me in that manner. You will be sitting at the back of the class when I get in there."

Bruno: "Well, that's where I always sit, facing the wall. I thought you knew everything. I thought you were a teacher."

Mr Dodd: "I will not be a teacher for the next two months. In fact, I'll be working for nothing at home, doing home education, teaching the wall, and this school is so cash strapped that you won't even be getting a supply teacher working for half of my usual wage. That's what usually happens, but not this time. In fact I am un-pleased to announce that you will be getting an extended summer holiday. This will be a bleak mid-summer, of zero educational prospects, and wipe that smile off your face, Bruno! You will also, as a result of this, have zero employment prospects, for life! You will be.."

Timmy: "Ah hello [INAUDIBLE]. What are we doing outside the geographical definement of the science labs?"

Mr Dodd: "Oh, Timmy, I didn't see you there. You're always so well behaved that I didn't notice you, and Billy, you're here too."

Billy: "Uhh, yeah, that's right. Is...is..is this the classroom? I don't recognise it."

Mr Dodd: "That is because we are in the corridor, Billy."

Billy: "Corridor? Is that a type of hairbrush?"

Mr Dodd: "Oh, will you just please shut up, and listen to me you [CENSORED]. As I was saying to this insolent student Bruno a moment ago, I have been laid off for two months, because my boss cannot afford to pay me to teach you dolts. So, I leave you with this message. If I find a single fingerprint on my chalk, or any grafitti on the blackboard stating that I am sad, and that I have no life, then when I return, I shall make it my personal business to inform Mr Peach about your transgressions!"

Timmy: "Do not worry my good man, with your absence I will go on the Open University website and download a module which represents what I will be missing."

Billy: "So, what are you saying? Are we coming in tomorrow?"

Mr Dodd: "Enough questions now, I must leave school property because I've been shoved out of the door of employment. So I must love you and leave you, because as I don't have a position at this moment in time, I'm now technically trespassing in the building."

(Mr Peach enters)

Mr Peach: "What are you still doing in the school, Dodd? I told you to get out half an hour ago! Do you have cloth ears? You are unemployed, and you're trespassing, so I'll say it again. Get out, or I'll set the guard dogs on you!"

Mr Dodd: "But, this school doesn't have guard dogs."

Mr Peach: "I am the guard dogs, fool!"

(Mr Peach begins barking like a dog and chases Mr Dodd out of the building)

Narrator: "Oh my goodness, what mayhem! Mr Peach chases Mr Dodd out of Neston High School. Now, he is out of employment temporarily, and doesn't have a penny to his name, and with Mr Peach's bite marks in his rear, he can no longer afford to pay the rent on his own flat, and so he visits the estate agents to see if he can find a better prospect."

Location: The estate agent

Employee: "Is there anything I can help you with?"

Mr Dodd: "Yes, I'm looking for some alternative accommodation. I've been made redundant for two months, and now I can't afford the rent on my flat, so I'm looking to sell it."

Employee: "Oh, how unfortunate. In which residential area would you be most interested in, sir?"

Mr Dodd: "What is the going rate for properties in the Heswall district?"

Employee: "Err, the average these days sir is looking around the two million mark."

Mr Dodd: "In that case, I might have to be a little more modest."

Employee: "Err, what is your calling sir? What do you do for a living?"

Mr Dodd: "I am, I was once, at least before, I was a teacher at Neston High School."

Employee: "A teacher? I don't like the sound of that. Perhaps I could show you some of the cheaper properties. There are some excellent Neston property opportunities here along this wall for 800,000. May I suggest the flat above [INAUDIBLE], in Little Neston, owned by Lynn Little. You're shaking your head, why sir?"

Mr Dodd: "Because Lynn and I don't meet eye to eye. We once had a fight over a pastel lolly, which I bought from the store next to hers. Bitter rivals, so unfortunately, that will not meet my financial requirements at this time."

Employee: "There are some designer flats situated at the rear of Clay Hill tip. Many of them only have back windows, to save you the trouble of the front. Does that sound of interest to you, sir? Or maybe you would like the newest apartment that recently came on the market, the reason being is because there was known to be sewage waste under the ground. It flowed through the kitchen taps, but now we have switched them off."

Mr Dodd: "Well, I would, except that I am allergic to the odours that emanate from the tip, and I am fed up of the smell of sewage waste, thanks to my time living in a box in Iraq under Saddam's reign. So, that would not suit my requirements."

Employee: "Well, I can lend you any assistance, one thing I can help you with is your budget. How much are you looking to spend, in terms of your property?"

Mr Dodd: "My aunt left me £100,000, that my good man, is my property budget. Now, what could I expect to obtain the keys to with that?"

Employee: "Well, that's not too bad, with that kind of budget, in these kind of times, I could easily offer you half a shed."

Mr Dodd: "Did you say half a flat?"

Employee: "Err, no sir, flats are now beyond your wildest dreams. I said half a shed. This shed is right up your alley, you know. Buy this and all the ladies will be after you, especially gardeners, it's right in the zone, man."

Mr Dodd: "Are you trying to be cool? Because if you are, it's working, and I am very tempted. I hope it's a good shed."

Employee: "I said half, sir, if I'm not mistaken. I can offer you half a shed that is on the market now for £95,000. You will be able to turn an amazing 45 degree angle to reach your every need. For example, your bed, your television screen, your sink, and most importantly your toilet will be within an arms reach, and since you will be sharing this shed, I am obliged to tell you that your neighbour uses his half to store his rottweiler in at weekends."

Mr Dodd: "But that's when I'm off work."

Employee: "Or, alternatively sir, I could offer you a shed share."

Mr Dodd: "I think I'd better leave."

Employee: "I think that's actually a wise decision in these hard economic times. [INAUDIBLE]. Thank you! Come again."

Narrator: "What a farce! At least Mr Dodd knew when he was being, shall we say, ripped off. As Dodd leaves the estate agents, he gets a call from his sister, Dodo."

LOCATION: On street

(Phone ringing)

Mr Dodd: "Oh, hello Dodo."

Dodo: "Brian, I've been calling your apartment for hours, and then I realised I was calling the wrong number. Then I tried dialling your real number, and it said 'number not in use'. What the hell?"

Mr Dodd: "Yes, I'm afraid my phone line's been cut off, just like my apartment itself. I've been temporarily made redundant in my job because Steven can't afford to pay me. I have nowhere to live."

Dodo: "Oh dear, well you are f****d, aren't you? I do feel sorry for you brother, what are you going to do?"

Mr Dodd: "It looks like I'll have to live on the streets, and beg for the next two months, and hope something good comes out of my life."

Dodo: "Well, you can come and live with me under one condition."

Mr Dodd: "Oh and what's that?"

Dodo: "You know I can't stand you, if I'm going to be generous enough to let you live with me, you can take more than the [INAUDIBLE]."

Mr Dodd: "It looks like I have no choice. I have nowhere else to go."

Dodo: "I know, it's why I'm doing it to you."

Narrator: "The next day of living in his doubly expensive abode with his nearest and dearest sister, Dodo, Mr Dodd gets a phone call again."

(Phone ringing)

Mr Peach: "Dodd! I can't believe you didn't realise that I've given you your job back! I did it automatically, and now I'm having to phone you about it! Why the hell aren't you in work today? I reinstate your job, and you don't even show up! Your pupils are starting at the walls bored senseless. Not that I could care about that. I've got more pressing matters, but more importantly, they're not learning, and that's bad for the league tables, and therefore I look bad personally, Dodd!"

Mr Dodd: "But I thought the recession, you couldn't afford to pay me?"

Mr Peach: "The government gave me a grant in the post this morning, and after I bought a Porsche, I realised I had some money left over for the school. So, it's not out for summer, Mr Dodd. We're having classes every June, July and August to make up for what we've missed, and you're half an hour late already, your time keeping is appalling every time I give you your job back. So, get your butt into the general vicinity of Neston High School by the time that I open the rest of the mail, or I will dock a whole hour's pay. Do you understand what I'm trying to get you to comprehend?"

Mr Dodd: "Yes sir, I will be on my way. Thank you for giving me my job back."

Mr Peach: "Don't mention it, and I mean don't mention it! Shut up and be grateful. Now put the phone down because I can't bare to look at you. I know we're on a telephone apparatus here, but I'm having a nightmare vision of your face. Anyway, what I am trying to tell you is, if you don't get round to this school within fifteen minutes, I am sending an Ofsted inspector round. Now, if that doesn't put the fear of God into you, then you've lost me. You're a braver man than I am."

Mr Dodd: "Mr Peach, I will be the most dedicated, hardworking, loyal, honest, humble employee you have ever seen. I'd better put the phone down before I say the last bit."

(Phone disconnects)

Mr Dodd: "... as long as I get paid."

Dodo: "Who was that on my phone?"

Mr Dodd: "For your information, it was my employer. That's right, my employer. I have a job again, so I won't be needing this so called accommodation. I'm going back to my place."

Dodo: "Don't walk out that door! You still owe me the first month's rent because you've set foot in this house."

Mr Dodd: "I'll mail it to you when Jupiter and Pluto collide."

Dodo: "When is that then?"

Mr Dodd: "It's a nice way of saying never, dear."

[END OF EPISODE]

"Characters in this episode do not represent people in real life."

"And that was: Detention with Mr Dodd."

[OUTTAKES]

"The series was recorded in South Wirral in Cheshire, England. The episode were edited by Asterick Jones and Daniel Seal and were a Goodlagh and Totally Mad production."

Mr Peach: "Britain used to make me so proud, but now there are too many British people here."