[INTRO - CHANNEL 1O7 IDENT]

AJ: "A particularly manic outing now for the Dodd and Peach characters as they are forced to turn up at in the school during the evening for a night class. It's the sixth episode of Detention With Mr Dodd."

[END OF IDENT]

AJ: "Disclaimer: The Detention with Mr Dodd series contains strong language and scenes of a controversial nature."

[DETENTION WITH MR DODD INTRO]

Mr Peach: "What a load of horse baloney!"

Mr Dodd: "Episode 6"

Mr Peach: "Night School Nightmare"

Mr Dodd: "How am I going to find time to lark, when I've got to take a night class?"

Mr Peach: "In this episode, despite the syllabus coming in a book thick enough to rival the bible, he still doesn't have a bloody clue what he's meant to be teaching."

[START OF EPISODE]

Mr Peach: "Is this school not good enough for you, Brian? Were you out on the lash getting drunk? Were you babysitting the toilet? Or were you just being an adolescent f**k? Why the hell didn't you tell me you weren't coming into work yesterday? Are you following in the footsteps of that pathetic no-show Graham? I had to take your damn science class yesterday, and do you want to know what happened?"

Mr Dodd: "Well, Steven, I..."

Mr Peach: "Shut it! Do you really want to know? Put it this way, I've arranged for decorators next week, not to mention the electrician. Your students are out of control, Brian. If you don't start showing up for work 24/7, then I will have to lock you in my fridge."

Mr Dodd: "I do apologise, Steven, I did try texting you that I was unable to make it in yesterday, but you wouldn't have understood the message, because some of the keys were missing."

Mr Peach: "I wouldn't have cared a f**k, Dodd! I want what I want, and that is you to follow orders. I'll end up putting you on a leash, Dodd. Now, enough of this s**t talk, on to more pressing matters. Apparently, ever since I took charge of your absence yesterday, all your students for some reason have contracted swine flu. F**k knows how, because Neston is the safest place in the world, and my food is golden. I couldn't care less if they live or die right now, but anyway, you won't be teaching them, obviously, so instead, I would like you to make up for the hell you have caused. This school is unprofitable, Brian, we're not making any money teaching these regular students, their as poor as chips. It just so happens that tonight we need a substitute for our new adult education programme, and we're going to charge them through the nose. It will be a night class, so get ready to work late."

Mr Dodd: "But I haven't even agreed to take the class yet."

Mr Peach: "I don't care, Brian, because it's not optional, you will take this class because you owe me big time for the repairs and electrical costs, that will be coming out of your wagers you [CENSORED]."

Mr Dodd: "I thought you just told me that you would be making the money back through the night class."

Mr Peach: "The rest is going straight in my pocket as compensation for the inconvenience of having to speak to you! Now, get out of my office, be here at 7pm tonight, make sure you bring your sex education book. You're gonna need it, son."

[INTRO]

Mr Dodd: " I can't believe I have to work late, I'm going to miss Emmerdale, and my Sky + is broken, because I don't have one. I wonder if my class is going to be science-oriented, or else even I won't know what the hell I'm on about."

Narrator: "Hello viewers, just to inform you about where were up to in our latest story, Mr Dodd is being forced to work late and he has never been to Neston High School in the evening before, so some things are a little unexpected."

[SOUND OF CAR CRASHING]

Mr Dodd: "Oh dear, what's happened?"

Security Guard: "You've just driven into the gate, sir."

Mr Dodd: "Why are there gates present outside this establishment? They were not installed during the day time."

Security Guard: "It's to keep the riff raff out, and you must pay at the gate if you're attending the evening class."

Mr Dodd: "But I'm it's teacher."

Security Guard: "It don't matter. If you're not on the list, you ain't getting in."

Mr Dodd: "I will not have obstacles in the way of my employment."

Security Guard: "It's the rest of the staff who can get in without having to pay. What's your name?"

Mr Dodd: "Mr Brian Dodd."

Security Guard: "Errr, you're on the list."

Mr Dodd: "Okay, thank you, now please open the gate."

Security Guard: "Hold up, you're on the list, but it says here that you have to pay."

Mr Dodd: "I haven't got time for this, so very well, here's my platinum credit card."

[SOUND OF CAR HORN BEEPING]

Security Guard: "You can pay in a minute, I've got to let Mr Peach through."

[SOUND OF CAR WINDOW ROLLING DOWN]

Mr Peach: "How's it hanging, Dave?"

Security Guard: "Fine, you?"

Mr Dodd: "Here's my chance!"

[SOUND OF CAR ACCELERATE THROUGH THE GATE]

Narrator: "Mr Dodd drives his car into the school compound while the guard is temporarily distracted, and thereby he gains free entrance to his not-so-free evening class."

Mr Dodd: "Oh Steven, glad I caught you, where's my class?"

Mr Peach: "I don't know, why are you asking me? Do I look like a map? Put yourself in Mr Field's English classroom."

Mr Dodd: "But if it's going to be a scientific evening, I'll need to do my experiments."

Mr Peach: "Improvise, now listen, between you and me, you're going to be in for a very rough evening, if you thought Bruno was bad, you haven't lived. Now I believe that one of your students is on the way, so skedaddle right to that class."

Mr Dodd: "But I don't know where I'm going! I don't even know what I'm teaching."

Mr Peach: "It's adult education, Dodd, the clue is in the title, if adults out there in the community have to come to a high school for a night school course, then they don't know nothing about anything. So, our job, after taking credit card payment from them, is to teach them about everything that they don't know. A bit of science, a bit of maths, even a bit of PE."

Mr Dodd: "I can't teach that, I'm not agile enough."

Mr Peach: "As long as you don't miss this out, this is the sex ed bible, since we're having adults in the school tonight, they're going to get a very adult education."

Mr Dodd: "If any of these adult learners should misbehave, do I send them to the usual place for detention?"

Mr Peach: "For God's sake keep them away from my office, I don't do evenings, Mr Dodd, Lord knows that I couldn't lark to save my life, and that's what you lonely teachers are for. We might have opened a night school, quite frankly, Steve, the security guard, will be the only one on hand who can sort out any troublemakers. As for me, I do not want to be disturbed from my 22 cans of Stella. So get in there, your public awaits. Or should I say, your single pupil. I only saw one car in the car park that wasn't clamped."

Narrator: "Mr Dodd walks to Mr Field's English class, and attempts to set up a science experiment, unfortunately when he tests that the bunson burner is operational, he managed to set fire to Mr Field's copy of Macbeth, anyway, eventually the student, and notice I say student and not students, arrives."

Student: "What subject are you going to teach? What are you going to learn me?"

Mr Dodd: "Do you know, I hadn't thought of that, but according to Steven, this is an adult educational programme, and we can teach you anything."

Student: "Steven. You mean Mr Peach? I didn't [CENSORED] know he worked here. He hasn't gone up much in the world, has he?"

Mr Dodd: "Yes, he's still here unfortunately. Anyway, let's take off our regret hats, and put our educational headwear on. What skills do you think you're lacking in this?"

Student: "Well, I want to learn how to decorate a cake on the outside, and how to make certain curtain ornaments."

Mr Dodd: "Well, Mr Field's class is not exactly a kitchen, but..."

Student: "Who the f**k's Mr Field?"

Mr Dodd: "He is an English teacher, and a bitter rival to myself, if I'm being frank, and I am. I think he is completely up himself, not only that, he is quite frankly a complete [CENSORED] and needs to get bent, and he..."

Student: "That's enough, Brian, I thought you were suppose to be teaching me some [CENSORED]. What are they, to look good?"

Mr Dodd: "Yes, of course, but please, whilst we are in this class, address me as Mr Dodd at all times, as any pupil, young or old, must do in my presence."

Student: "Okay, Brian"

Mr Dodd: "I will ignore that piece of insolence on your part, and get on with the job at hand. Now, where is my syllabus for this evening? Oh my God, oh dear, I don't know a damn thing about this. No clue whatsoever. So this is meant to be an adult education class. I've only ever taught science before. Well here's my dilemma, I know alot about the science subject, in fact I would go as far as to say, that is my life, and when it comes to this infernal adult education, I have to say I don't know alot about it, in fact I know nothing. Well I suppose there is but one option left to us. For me to wing it, now let's see, I haven't actually had sex before, but going by the biology lessons that I used to substitute I can describe what should happen, in theory, in rather graphic detail. That is what I will now proceed to do."

"Right, lesson begins, so... to have sex you must first insert... then fondle... excite... move... a particular region of the human body... I can't make head nor tail of this. We might as well be trying to learn Ancient Greek. Give me a moment here. I just need to think about this."

Student: "What's the problem, Dodd?"

Mr Dodd: "I need a coffee, this is going to be a long day."

Student: "It's night time, you imbecile, and don't I get a coffee? Don't be so exlusionary, you're so selfish. I'm the customer here, because I haven't paid, and I'm always right."

Mr Dodd: "The beverage supplies are for the perusal of the staff only, it's Peach policy."

[NARRATOR ENTERS THE ROOM]

Narrator: "Did I hear someone say coffee? Coffee is my line, because, I have to sit through every single episode and listen to your boring vocal chords go up and down, Dodd. I have to drink at least 20 cups of coffee a day to stay awake."

Mr Dodd: "John, Frederick, Michael, I can't be arsed saying your full name, Mac, you aren't wanted here, so could you please go back to your recording studio and just narrate what's going the hell on in this episode before I lose my rag. Can't you see I'm stressed at having to take this damn night class?"

Narrator: "Do you think I care? I've just come in to ask Mrs Hussain if she'd like a coffee with me."

Student: "Are you asking me out?"

Narrator: "Oh haha, don't be silly, who would ask an old rat bag, like you, out? You're in your 90s aren't you?"

Student: "Yeah, so what? This is against my human rights. No coffee, and now no date. I'll have you know, John Frederick Mac or whatever the crick your name is, I'm not gonna learn that, what I haven't got in looks anymore, I make up more in personality. You don't know what you're missing."

Mr Dodd: [LAUGHING] Oh dear...

Student: "What are you laughing at, Mr Dodd?"

Narrator: "I think his body must already be full of caffeine."

Student: "So are we going for coffee together then? Are you going to change your mind instead of acting the fool."

Narrator: "Errr, no, goodbye."

[NARRATOR EXITS]

Mr Dodd: "Now, before we were rudely interrupted, where was I? Oh no, I've just remembered why I needed the coffee down my gob. Look what's on tonight's syllabus."

Student: "What of it, Dodd? I come all the way here to this class, make the effort, and you don't even want to tell me. Come on, what's the mystery? What are you going to learn me? Or am I just wasting my time looking at your picture?"

Mr Dodd: "You know what, Madam, I don't know what I'm suppose to be teaching you tonight. I will have to go and ask my superior, who is Mr Peach, unfortunately."

Mr Peach: "I should have heard that, Dodd! But I didn't, so you're not getting the boot."

Student: "Is he that man that was rude to me? He's got a cheek. He wanted to see my ID, everybody knows who I am."

Mr Dodd: "We all know why, don't we?"

[MR PEACH ENTERS THE ROOM]

Mr Peach: "What in the name of insanity is going on in this English class?"

Mr Dodd: "I was about to go and knock on your office, sir, because I am quite flustered tonight, I just don't know what I am teaching!"

Mr Peach: "You can say that again, you've never known, I don't quite know why I hired you, I must have accidentally ingested mercury or something, I think it was the recession, listen, Brian, if you can't get your act together soon, and start showing some initiative, like actually using your brain to come up with what the f**k this evening is all about, I might have to show my teeth as a boss, and fire you!"

Mr Dodd: "I'm sorry, Steven, but I don't know why we're all standing here."

Mr Peach: "What are you talking about? You're sitting you fat four eyed [CENSORED], you're on your [CENSORED] staring at the ceiling! You call this learning!?!? Are you on steroids?!?! I think so, because why the f**k would you wear glasses like that? I bet those steroids make your eyes bigger, just f**k!"

Mr Dodd: "But I can't f**k without my dignity."

Student: "Am I being [CENSORED] ignored here? Can I have a spliff?!"

Mr Dodd: "I'm sorry, I sold out of those."

Mr Peach: "You know what, f**k all this, let's clear the classroom and go out for a pint, I'll lock up the school and tell all the other night staff to f**k off home. Come on."

Student: "But what about my learning? I'm as thick as horses vomit."

Mr Peach: "I'm fully aware of your educational needs, but I haven't had a ? in 2 hours, so quite frankly, Madam, you are a very, very low priority. God, forget the night class, I was going to give you table scraps from my evening meal later, rather than your wages, simply because I can't afford in a million [CENSORED] to pay you."

Mr Dodd: "Oh well, I'm honoured, sir."

Mr Peach: "Yes, but it's gone off now, so be grateful that I'm buying you a pint."

Mr Dodd: "But I'm a non-alcoholic, I don't drink."

Mr Peach: "You will be tonight, now get [CENSORED] four eyes."

Mr Dodd: "You know, Steven, you are the most abusive individual I have ever had the pleasantry of meeting."

Mr Peach: "You know I'm good for it, now come on, before the damn pub closes in our faces."

Mr Dodd: "I am sure as damn well going to learn something tonight, even if no one else does, whilst you jolly yourselves off to the pub, I'm going to stay here, right in this school, and actually study the night course, by reading it from cover to cover."

Mr Peach: "You ?, well suit yourself, which I know that it does."

[END OF EPISODE]

AJ: "Mr Dodd, Mr Peach and Mother were played by Asterick Jones, the narrator was played by Daniel Seal, the guard at the gate was played by Brian Seal, sound effects, music and editing were by Asterick Jones, with some additional sound effects added by Daniel Seal."

"Characters in this episode do not represent people in real life"

[OUTTAKES]

"The series was recorded in South Wirral, in Cheshire, England. The episodes were edited by Asterick Jones and Daniel Seal and were a Goodlagh and Totally Mad production."